Little Mercy's
by AoifeRose
Summary: A difficult case leads Amanda and Olivia to bond and share things. Some vague references to child abuse to please do not read if it affects you. Set in S17 but not in real-time. Multi-Chapter with some M rated stuff eventually hence the current rating.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N Not set in real time but based on what happened in the Season 17 finale I will leave a few characters out for obvious reasons. Vague references to child neglect and abuse so please do not read if this is an issue that affects you.**

Olivia watched through the two-way mirror in her office as Amanda sat on the floor talking to the small boy whose focus was entirely on the drawing pad in front of him. The representative from DCFS was sitting in a chair to the left watching proceedings. Olivia listened as Amanda went through the standard questions, questions she'd asked many times herself, questions that never got any easier to ask. She heard a shout from behind her in the squad room as Fin and Carisi tried to contain a drunk who was accused of exposing himself to two women out walking in Central Park. She tried to block it out as she heard Amanda's voice, soft and low, "What's that you're drawing Max?"  
His small shoulders shrugged. Olivia noted that Noah did something very similar just that same morning when she asked why there was orange juice as well as milk in his cereal? He shrugged, then smiled and then giggled as she tried but failed to reprimand him for ruining his breakfast; but there was no giggle following Max's shoulder shrug.

Amanda was still talking but Olivia's sole focus now was the small figure sitting on the carpet. His legs were crossed at the ankle, his head down, his eyes transfixed on one small space on the page he was colouring. The more questions Amanda asked the harder he leaned on the page with the marker in his hand. His knuckles were white by the time Amanda asked how he'd gotten the bruise on his wrist. Olivia saw the spark in his dark eyes as he looked up and spoke, quiet and deliberate, the sign of much coaching. "I fell and hit it on the step when I was running too fast." Max spoke slowly, as if trying to remember the right words to say.

Amanda sensing the anguish in the little boy's voice, deduced that it was time to stop. They'd been talking for half and hour and it was enough for the time being. She told Max she was going to go and get some cookies and juice for him so he could have a rest but he simply looked back to the drawing pad. The detective nodded to the DCFS rep as she stood and walked from the room.

Olivia saw the look of utter despair as the younger woman closed the door and slumped back against it, sighing heavily.

Olivia began to walk towards her but was stopped in her tracks as Amanda spoke; "Comforting me right now with one of your reassuring pep talks ain't gona cut it Lieutenant. I want to find that bitch and rip her limb from limb"

"So do I", Olivia said.

"Huh, not what I was expecting but thanks"

Olivia walked to her desk and sat down. "He reminded me of Noah when he shrugged his shoulders, it set my mothering instinct off and that's one I've learned is pretty hard to turn off."

"So that's what that ball of rage in my stomach is right now?"  
Olivia looked up and saw the sheer anger in the blue eyes looking across her office at the opposite mirrored wall.

"Rollins?"

Amanda took a few seconds to meet her gaze. "This is new for you. This is your first case involving a kid since Jessy came along. It does change things. We'd like to think it doesn't but it does."  
Amanda nodded and walked towards the door. She turned just as she opened it.

"Does it get easier?"  
"I'm can't answer that. You need to work it out for yourself."

Amanda closed the door and made her way to the break room to get some food for Max. She kicked the vending machine with such force when it didn't dispense the juice carton that she was pretty sure she'd broken either it or her toe; she didn't care either way. Tears threatened as she picked up the carton, which had dropped from it's precarious position hanging by a thread to the metal holder, and into the dispenser after the violent blow. She took some cookies from the staff press and put them in a small bowl. Making her way back to Olivia's office she took a deep breath before she knocked and entered.

"I'll bring them in." Olivia stood to take the cookies and juice from her but Amanda shook her head.

"I'm ok."  
"Rollins, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but that kid does not need to see you crying. He's already in the depths of despair and unable to verbalise it. If he sees an adult who is supposedly going to catch the person who did this to him breaking down, his faith in our promise to protect him will be broken."

"Do you really think he trusts anyone anymore?"  
"I don't know but I know I want him to trust us."

Amanda nodded and handed the food to her boss. She normally would have put up more of a fight but right now she'd rather do anything than go back into that room.

"Take a seat, I'll be back in a minute."  
"I've got paperwork coming out my ears, if it's ok I'll be at my desk?"  
"Ok. Listen Noah and I are going to a yoga class tonight" Amanda laughed and then realised Olivia was being serious, "Oh, right… well"

"You and Jessy should join us."  
"I'm not sure she's quite able to do the lotus position yet lieutenant."

Olivia chuckled; "It's a mother and tots group. Kids from new-born up to 6 do basic movements to help with their development, flexibility and muscle tone. It was just an idea you don't have to..."  
"No that'd be great. Thanks Lieutenant" Amanda wasn't sure why Olivia had even brought it up, it wasn't like they regularly hung out together outside work. But she appreciated that Olivia was reaching out.

They went their separate ways, Olivia bracing herself for a chat with the DCFS rep about a guardian ad litem for Max and Amanda trying to steal herself to face the mountain of paperwork on her desk and put thoughts of the small boy's face to the back of her mind.

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The mid May air was warm but there was a breeze as they walked the 5 blocks to the community centre where the class was held. Noah was happily skipping along holding Olivia's hand. He had peered into the stroller when they'd met Amanda from the subway and pointed in excitedly declaring "Jessy" as the two women beamed at him.

"Seems he remembers our trip to the park" Olivia said, noting that Jessy had grown since then and it had only been six weeks. "She's getting so big, what are you feeding her?"

"She's started on some small amounts of pureed stuff. Doc said I'd see the difference in a few weeks. Definitely have, both in her and the contents of her diapers." Amanda pulled a face that made Noah laugh. "At least someone finds it funny".

"She must have grown out of everything clothes wise?"  
"Yeah the kid is totally bankrupting me." Amanda said it lightly but Olivia was fully aware of how much it cost to raise a child and although their salaries differed she knew how much Amanda made and taking that and rent and babysitter's into account she was worried that finances were more of a problem than Amanda was letting on.

"There are bags of clothes in my cupboard belonging to Noah that he grew out of after 3 months, some of them barely worn. The whole new Mom thing caught me unawares and I bought the entire contents of a shop one day. Some of them might be a bit too boyish but I'm sure there's plenty that would fit her."

"Thanks Lieu… you know what I'm gona have to call you by your first name for the rest of the evening unless we want to scare the other Mom's. So thanks Liv, I might just take you up on that."  
"The building is just around this next corner." As they reached the door a cop car drove by them sirens blaring, taking the sharp street corner too fast and almost mounting the pavement.

"Someone needs to go back to the academy and get some driving lessons. Fin could have done a better job of that."

Olivia laughed, "Yeah I think so."

They walked into the class, which was being held in a small hall, and a few of the Mom's nodded and smiled to Olivia. Noah waved to his friend, a girl named Julia who he'd become quite fond of.

Amanda took in the cohort of kids and saw that there were a few babies Jessy's age, some kids Noah's age and a few in between. Noah had already found his spot on the floor beside Julia and who Amanda assumed was her Mom.

"I'll get her" Olivia said as she began to unstrap Jessy from her stroller. Lifting the small girl into her arms Olivia gave her a cuddle and removed her jacket to reveal a small denim dress, pink sparkly top and pink tights to match.

"Ok I take back that offer of clothes. If this is what she normally wears everything in that bag is going to be too boyish."

Amanda took the small bundle in her arms and kissed her head.

"Naw, this was a present from her Grandma. I figured it was the perfect thing for her to sit on the floor in. If it becomes irreparably damaged we'll be heartbroken of course, but we'll live." The sarcasm dripping from the words told Olivia it was best to leave the topic be. She recalled the last time they'd encountered Amanda's mother and the stress it had caused her when she was pregnant, she didn't want to bring that up again.

Helen and Kayleigh called the class together to begin. Olivia explained that the new-born to 2 year olds were with Helen and Kayleigh did the class with the 2-6 year olds. It was all in one room however so Amanda took a seat on the opposite side of the room in the smaller group, still able to watch Noah and Olivia. Noah was laughing as Julia blew raspberries at him. Amanda laughed and Jessy felt the vibration, looking at her and smiling.

Helen began to introduce herself and explained the class to those who were new. Thankfully Amanda noticed she wasn't the only one new to the group and she listened intently to the instructions. She smiled another woman directly opposite her in her circle holding a baby about 6 or 8 months older than Jessy. The baby was wearing a white Babygro and was just beginning to wake up from a nap. Mom seemed reluctant to wake the little one but as she set him or her, Amanda couldn't tell, down the sleepy eyes opened and a small whimper indicated baby was ready to take part.

"Ok folks, so for the first exercise I need Mom's to sit the little ones between their legs, lying back against your stomach, legs as straight as they will go and within easy reach for you.

Amanda noticed that Olivia and Noah were now focused on Kayleigh as their class began. She had no idea what she was letting herself in for but she was willing to give it a go. What harm could it do?

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As it turned out the class itself was really enjoyable. Jessy smiled through most of it and even looked like she was concentrating at one stage, which made Amanda laugh out loud, interrupting the tranquillity of the moment and earning her a few dirty looks, particularity from mom of kid in white Babygro. She didn't care, this wasn't the first time she'd been disapproved of and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

At the end of the class Mom of baby in white decided to approach her for a chat. It turned out Spirit was a gift from many God's, hence the name. Amanda pitied the kid trying to get by with that name for the rest of his life but that didn't seem to worry his mother. Mom then observed that Jessy wasn't as alert as Spirit and wondered was she breastfed or was she a bottle baby – she spat the last 3 words out like they tasted dreadful. Amanda had no inclination to answer this woman but Olivia didn't seem to be ready to leave so she made small talk, explaining that Jessy was meeting all her milestones and was, the doctor's said, a very healthy baby. Mom, who Amanda learned was named Mary, then explained that doctors were often wrong and that pharmaceutical companies were the spawn of the devil. Thankfully Noah chose that moment to run towards her and kiss Jessy as she put her into her stroller. It saved Mary getting a very sarcastic reply to her pass remarks on Amanda's parenting. Conspiracy theories she was used to; Munch was never without one. However, questioning her ability to parent was another story altogether and it irritated Amanda no end.

Olivia approached and gave Mary a curt nod. They apparently had history as Mary made a hasty exit with a quick 'goodbye' in Amanda's direction.

"You met the female Munch with a PhD in parenting I see."

"That woman needs to take a couple of those pills from those big pharma's she hates so much and calm the fu… fudge down"

"Nicely done. He already says f-u-c-k", Olivia spelled it out "though so I wouldn't worry to much."  
"I wonder where he got that from?"  
"I'm blaming Fin and so long as he doesn't find that out we're fine."

Both women laughed as they made their way out into the crisp evening air. The sun was beginning to set and Noah was starting to lag. Olivia picked him up and carried him to keep pace with Amanda. She forgot this woman ran every morning. It showed in the speed she walked at. Jessy was fast asleep and as they approached the entrance to the subway Amanda realised that it had been a long time since she'd enjoyed an evening out like that. Carisi coming around was great, he really helped out. It was just good to be out with another person who understood the perils and emotions and everything else that went with being a mother. As they walked they'd briefly discussed Max but changed topic quickly both realising that having their kids so close made having that discussion too painful. They then discussed Mary and her idiotic take on all things motherhood related. Olivia gave her some examples of other issues she'd raised with her, including the use of a pacifier being akin to breaking the mother/child bond and then berating the fact that Olivia was working such long hours with a child, especially one that wasn't biologically hers as she needed to form a bond. Olivia had initially taken it very hard before she realised Mary was just full of hot air, which was why she wanted to ensure that she didn't have the same effect on Amanda. She reassured Amanda as they reached the subway that she was a great Mom and that Jessy was a beautiful funny smart baby.

"Thanks Liv, I know it's just good to hear it sometimes ya know?"  
"It is. Listen why don't you and Jessy come over some evening after work and we'll sort through those clothes?"  
"Yeah, sounds good."

Noah was now dozing in her arms as she bid Amanda and Jessy goodnight. As they walked home Olivia found herself holding tightly to her son, knowing she couldn't protect him from the evils of the world, but wishing with all her might that she could.

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 **A/N This is going to go on for a few chapters so keep with me. Working full time means I only get to write on and off. I really like this one and where it's going in my head though, so come along for the ride**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thanks for all the support so far. Have a few chapters of this planned and then I'm going to see where it goes. Mention of abuse is more explicit in this chapter so please if it affects you don't read. Also as per usual they're not mine, I just borrow them.**

In a suburban neighbourhood that looked similar to about 100 others they'd seen before the SVU squad sat staring intently at the one house any of them cared about. A two storey detached property with a porch swing and a water feature in the garden stood about 100 yards away, it's unsuspecting resident unaware of the presence of a team of cops about to turn their lives upside down.

Liv and Carisi were in one car, Fin and Amanda in another. The latter were acting as back up while Olivia and Carisi went to find their suspect. Olivia signed off on a call to Fin to ensure they were clear what the plan was. She then addressed Carisi. "You ready?"  
"As ready as I'll ever be Lieutenant." That was good enough. Warrant in hand they made their way up the three steps to the front door. Amanda watched from the driver's seat as Olivia reached to knock. Before her knuckles hit the wood and she had a chance to step back the door was flung open and a woman pushed Olivia, causing her to fall down the steps. Fin and Amanda were out of the car straight away but Carisi had already grabbed the woman and tackled her onto the grass in the front yard. Fin helped him cuff her as she struggled. Amanda made her way to the front porch to help her Lieutenant up. Olivia winced as she turned onto her side, tensing slightly as she felt an arm on her lower back and another under her elbow helping her up. She straightened her jacket and raked her scratched hands through her hair. Amanda's arm remained on her back as Olivia felt the pain run through the areas she'd hit on her way down.

"You ok Lieutenant?"  
"Yeah, nothing some painkillers won't solve."  
Olivia limped slightly as she began to walk towards the men who were now reading Sarah Curtis her rights. She noticed Amanda was still at her side, hands at the ready to catch her if she fell.  
"Rollins, I've had worse."  
Amanda nodded as if understanding that Olivia didn't want to show weakness in front of this woman.

"If you cannot afford one one will be provided for you…" Carisi had just finished mirandising her when Olivia reached them.

"Good to go?"  
Fin nodded. "You ok Liv?"  
"I'm good"  
"You want me to drive?"  
"No you and Carisi take her in. Rollins and I need to talk to the sister then Amanda can drive us back."  
Sarah Curtis hung her head as she was dragged to the unmarked car. Olivia noticed the blood soaking through the knee of one of her trouser legs as the material began to stick to it.

"Shit"

"Liv? What is it?"

"Can you grab the first aid kit out of the trunk?"  
"What is it?" Amanda's voice was tinged with real concern and Olivia realised she needed to allay it.

"My knee is bleeding, it's nothing. I just need to clean it up and put a Band-Aid on it that's all"  
Amanda grabbed the First Aid kit and instructed Olivia to get into the backseat of the car.

Olivia climbed in without much protest, needing to stop the blood from soaking her trousers and sticking them totally to her leg, she wasn't looking forward to removing the part that was already stuck.

"We seriously need to restock this thing." Amanda looked at the paltry amount of stock and scrounged together some antiseptic wipes and a bandage. Amanda caught Olivia's eye as they both thought of the same thing at the same time.

Olivia chuckled as Amanda turned around and looked out the window. When she turned back Olivia was sitting in her black boy shorts but Amanda's attention was immediately drawn to the blood pouring down her Olivia's leg.

"Hell Liv that looks like it needs stiches."

"Naw, just hand over what you have and we'll make do."

"Ok but if that keeps bleeding after we're done here I'm bringing you to the hospital, no argument."

Olivia nodded smiling inwardly. Amanda and Jessy had been back to yoga with them twice and they lingered for coffee after the third class, both kids fast asleep in their strollers. They'd talked about everything and anything from Olivia's time in SVU to what Amanda did in her spare time before she came to New York. They hadn't realised they'd been there an hour until Jessy woke up for a feed. They'd gone to the zoo another weekend and enjoyed half a day off spent with other parents. Amanda remarked at one stage that this must be what it was like to have a normal life. Olivia knew exactly what she meant. They'd become friends. Olivia could count on one hand the people she would trust with her son; Amanda was now one of them. She could also count on one hand the number of people she confided in and again Amanda had become one of them. It was odd to have someone she could talk too; disconcerting but also comforting. Being able to pick up her phone and text Amanda when things weren't going well or ring her for a chat when she was lonely had filled a void she hadn't realised was there.

"Liv?"  
Olivia had been too busy reminiscing to realise Amanda was talking.

"I said are you gona clean that knee or am I going to talk to these people on my own while you stay here half dressed looking like a drunk we've just picked up."

Olivia concentrated on cleaning herself up, gritting her teeth as the antiseptic stung the open parts of the cut. "Here give it to me. Turn around."

Olivia angled herself so was sitting with her back against the door, her knee bent. Amanda was gentle as she cleaned around the cuts, avoiding the open wounds and clearing any visible dirt.

"You don't seem to have done any serious damage, you just did a good job of cutting it."  
"Yeah I think I caught one of the steps on the way down."  
"You're gona need to do some sparring me with me in the gym, improve those reflexes of yours."

"My reflexes are fine; you saw me catch Noah when he fell off that rocking horse."  
"Fair point. Most important thing is we got her. There all done." Olivia looked down to see her leg had been dressed.

"You missed your calling in life."  
"Medicine? You serious? Remind never to tell you what my GED was."

"Well you've a doctor's touch."

"Funny I've never heard a perp say that."  
"I'm not surprised, I see how you handle them. Right lets go sort out this mess."  
"You sure you're ok on that leg?"  
"I'd crawl in there to get information at this point." Amanda knew it was true.

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DCFS had sent an e-mail while they were out arresting Max's mother to say that he'd been temporarily fostered by a family in Brooklyn. His case worker said he seemed to be settling quite well but was still reluctant to talk. Olivia looked up as she heard a knock on the door, Barba had arrived and he wanted a round table discussion before he went anywhere near the Sarah Curtis case.

They'd just started as Olivia arrived and Fin apologised for beginning without her.

"No go ahead, sooner we get this into a court room and get her locked up the happier I'll be." Barba was about to begin a speech on putting the cart before the horse until he saw the way the cops of SVU were glaring at him. He simply nodded for Fin to continue.

"Sister said she's been there since Sunday, arrived with some sob story about not being able to pay her electric and the landlord threatening to throw her out."  
"And no one asked where Max was?" Barba sounded incredulous.

"Oh no she had an answer for that one alright. Said he was with her boyfriend's parents as they lived closer to a camp he was attending for a few days. Sister seemed suspicious because she didn't know about any boyfriend but she went along with it."

"What's her history?" Barba asked, hoping against hope there was something on file that would help his case. As it was he wasn't letting an emotionally traumatised young boy take to the stand for any reason.

"Fairly clean to be honest. A few parking violations and one possession charge for some weed. Other than that, nothing."  
"Fantastic" he muttered.

Olivia felt that she needed to push the ADA further and so tried to make the case for all they'd seen during his interview with DCFS.

"Yes but that's all circumstantial. The kid never actually said the word rape."  
"You know the presence of semen…"  
"The presence of semen implies that someone was sexually active near him not with him. It was not found inside him. They're clever bastards Lieutenant. You know how this goes."

Fin's hands clenched into fists by his sides.

"What have we got on Mom's boyfriend?"  
Carisi had been looking into that area. "There isn't one, not one we can find anyway. She was pimping the kid out for 100 bucks a time, she was smart; she did all the ground work herself. She had some connections high up from her time working in HR at a couple of powerful firms. And we all know money talks. They got what they wanted from that sick bitch. Had the teacher not noticed how much Max had quietened and then that bruise on his wrist and the one on his hip that looked like a handprint a few months before when they were doing gym, she may never have been caught."  
Amanda's stomach churned at the thought. She tried to stay calm but she was bordering on the edge of losing her temper with this case.

"What about these 'clients'?"

Amanda answered this time. "From talking to Max I get the sense they were all men. He was brought to their houses but it was always in a car with tinted windows so he never knew where he was going. He was blindfolded when he got to the house so he never saw his attacker. I couldn't push him anymore the last time we spoke. It's slow going breaking down this kids defences, they're monumental to cope with the anxiety and pain."  
"Do what you can." Barba's sharp reply made her bite her tongue for fear of answering back too quickly and ruining her chances of remaining on the case. Friends with Olivia or not, insubordination was not something that was tolerated and Amanda Rollins was still making her way up the ladder, with a few misdemeanours in her back pocket; she needed to stay calm and she did. Only the glare she gave Barba signalled to Olivia that she was angry.

They finished up the briefing and Amanda heard Olivia's voice. "Rollins, my office, now."

Amanda looked slightly bewildered, trying to rack her brain to think what she might have done wrong between this morning and this afternoon to piss her Lieutenant off and coming up empty handed.

Sticking her head in the door she looked at Olivia who was staring at the photo of Noah on her desk.  
"Everything ok?"  
"Yeah just checking in with you?"  
Amanda was dumbfounded. Olivia had never done anything like this before and she was confused about why she was doing it now.

"Uh, yeah I'm fine. Is that all?"  
"No come in for a minute, shut the door."  
Amanda did as instructed and took a seat when Olivia gestured to one.

"Ok what did I do?"  
"You didn't do anything. As I said I'm just checking in. I saw the look you gave Barba."  
Amanda kicked herself mentally for letting her anger show.

"Sorry, I just… it just… yeah sorry."  
"I know he can be a jerk sometimes. But honestly at the end of the day he wants to put them away as much as we do. He just has to remain level headed, something that is much harder for us to do but something that the job still requires."

"I can't just magically get this kid to open up, you know? I just… I tried everything. But he's scared as hell Liv."  
"I know Amanda, trust me I know. I've seen it before. It's typical behaviour in a situation like this, much as it pains me to say typical behaviour actually exists in a situation like this."

"It's going to take time and I know it's time Barba doesn't have. But it's time we have to give Max to process his emotions and allow himself to understand how to feel again."

Olivia's eyes travelled once again to the picture of Noah on her desk. As if sensing her friends need to talk about things she carried on. "Hey I never picked up those clothes you offered a few weeks back, you remember? Offer still stand?"  
"Of course."  
"You free this evening?"  
"I've got plans to watch about 3 hours of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, after that I'm free."

Amanda laughed as she stood to leave."

"Around 7? I'll bring take-away. What do you fancy?"

"I'll order something when you get there, save you picking it up."  
"Ooh delivery, they really did give you an impressive pay rise." Olivia chuckled as the detective opened the door.

"Thanks for checking in. I'm good."  
Olivia nodded as the blonde closed the door. She was relieved that Amanda was ok. She was also excited that she was coming over that evening. She spoke out loud to herself as she clicked to open a file on her laptop 'Excited, what are you 12?' She may not have been 12 but Olivia was still smiling as she read through a SOP on uniforms that really wasn't something that would normally make her smile.

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	3. Chapter 3

The knock on the door came just as Olivia managed to put Noah down for the first time in an hour. He'd been clinging to her all evening since the child minder had left. It always made her feel guilty when things were really busy at work and she rarely saw him, so occasionally she gave in to it. This case was making it harder and harder not to. Listening to Sarah Curtis trying to talk her way out of what she did to her son made Olivia so angry she actually cut the palm of her hand from digging her nails into it, listening to the woman try and defend herself in the interview room. When she looked to one side the glare Amanda was giving could have cut through the two way glass they were standing in front of. Olivia realised how much this was getting in on both of them and couldn't wait to spend the evening discussing anything but this case. Work would inevitably come up but both of them had agreed to allocate a time for discussing it and then moving on to other things.

Opening the door Olivia took the baby bag from Amanda as she passed by to park Jessy's stroller in its allocated slot beside the dining table.

"Hi stranger" Olivia cooed as Amanda took Jessy from her stroller, wide awake and ready for a feed. She smiled at the other woman, knowing her face and her voice well now. She was no longer making strange with Olivia or Noah.

"She'd say hi back but she's too focused on getting fed to care. Could you grab the freezer bag from inside the baby bag – it has some pureed stuff in it."  
"Sure I'll put it in a bowl and heat it up while I order us something. What do you fancy?"  
"Anything I can eat with one hand because I am gona end up feeding her with the other."  
"The joys of motherhood eh?" Just as the words left Olivia's lips Noah appeared around the corner with his arms up "Momma up". It was not a question it was an instruction.

"Seems like we're both gona have the same problem. Pizza?"  
"Sounds good."

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Two hours later they had swapped children with Jessy asleep on Olivia's chest while Noah was lying across Amanda's legs fast asleep. It had been a job to get them to sleep as Noah wanted to practice his yoga poses and insisted on trying to hold Jessy in front of him to do so. A lot of laughing and a few tears ensued as Jessy refused to comply with Noah's instructions. He'd eventually given up and decided it would be fun to teach her how to play the xylophone Cragen had so kindly gotten him for his birthday. They eventually wore each other out and Noah insisted on sleeping in between Amanda and his mum rolling over mid sleep into Amanda's lap. Jessy meanwhile had needed burping, so she had been handed to Olivia while Amanda went to the bathroom and fell asleep soon after. So they sat now, watching a muted TV, reading subtitles of a program that neither of them was really watching. The clothes that had been offered for Jessy were assembled into 2 piles of things of use and those that didn't fit, hastily put together during the yoga practice.

Noah stirred slightly and Olivia saw her opportunity to swap. They'd had a hushed discussion about how exactly they were going to get out of the predicament with the eventual consensus being they would end up sleeping there. However, Olivia said if Noah stirred there was a possible half a minute window where she could move him and he'd fall back to sleep without really noticing. This was that opportunity. Slowly swapping a deep asleep Jessy with a slightly dozy Noah, Olivia made for his bedroom, while Amanda grabbed the stroller and managed to get Jessy in without incident. Two minutes later Olivia was back with her.

"That was some great teamwork. I think we should lead the next team bonding session with that one."

Amanda laughed and then bit the inside of her cheek to try and refrain from waking Noah. "You're safe, once he's in that bed he's out for the count. I think we can return to normal levels of conversation."  
"You know you could have put her down an hour ago right?"  
"Yeah I know. I just miss that baby phase where they are so peaceful and quiet."  
"Problem is then they wake up."  
Olivia nodded as she stood. "Beer?"  
"Sounds like heaven."  
"You really need to get out more Rollins."  
"No hope of that now."

Olivia returned and handed a bottle to Amanda tucking one leg underneath her as she sat back down, resting her arm along the back of the sofa.

"You know if you ever need a babysitter you just have to ask right?"  
"God no. I'd rather hang out here with you guys than be out in some dingy bar."  
"You still need to have a life."  
"My life is her."  
"Sure but you still need a life outside of her."  
"There wasn't much outside of her before she got here now there's nothing else that really matters."  
Olivia was worried that the young detective was going to end up like her; alone and raising a kid with no prospect of a love life or friends outside of the people she worked with. She didn't want that for her.

"Well there was obviously someone since she's here."  
Amanda's mischievous smile said it all.

"Seriously Amanda, I don't want to know who he is. But he was obviously special. He's looking after you both right?" Olivia had never really asked such personal questions but she was genuinely concerned for her friend's wellbeing. The closer they got the more worried she became for her.

"We're fine. He's looking after us. Well her. Me I'm a big girl, I don't need nobody looking after me." Her smile was wavering even before she finished the sentence.

"That's not how it should go though. There should be someone there to look out for you both. If her dad isn't coming back..." Olivia stopped mid-sentence for affirmation from Amanda that she was right in her assumption. Amanda just laughed.

"I'm not telling you who he is, but no he probably won't be back. He'll visit but I doubt he'll stay."

"Then much as I know you love to be independent and not have to rely on anyone…"  
"Liv you're doing this perfectly fine on your own."

"But I'm lonely." Olivia had only ever admitted that to herself and was stunned she'd said it out loud to another soul.

Amanda reached for her hand resting on the back of the sofa rubbing her thumb over the back of Olivia's knuckles.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm being stupid. I have everything I ever wanted."  
"Me too, except…" Amanda interlaced their fingers and moved closer to Olivia. Her eyes dropped to linger on Olivia's soft full lips and she leaned in, kissing her imperceptibly.

Pulling back almost immediately as if she'd been electrocuted Amanda jumped to her feet and moved away towards the window.

"Fuck, what the hell am I doing? Jesus, Liv I'm so sorry. I'm gona blame the hormones, take my child and leave with what little dignity I still have."  
Olivia tried to speak but Amanda shook her head 'nuh-uh, you and I both know there's no way we can…." Amanda's thoughts wandered and then she snapped back to the present;

"so we're going to pretend that never happened and I'm gona leave now."

She was at the door by the time she'd finished talking having forgotten everything she came with bar the stroller. She turned back to pick up the clothes but Olivia stopped her, she knew there was too much there to carry.

"I'll bring them by yours"

"You don't have to. I can…" Amanda's voice was panicky and as Olivia walked towards her she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She was frozen to the spot as Olivia pulled her into a full body hug. "It's ok. Stop panicking." Amanda relaxed for a second and then realised she was starting to feel comfortable in the arms that were holding her. Pulling back abruptly she almost head-butted Olivia.

"Goodnight Liv"

Olivia nodded with a small smile as Amanda walked out, closing the door after her. She exhaled slowly as she turned to walk back into the living area. Taking a seat on the couch she touched her lips and smiled. "Oh I'm in trouble" she said quietly into the empty room.

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	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Apologies for the long delay – family problems and job hunting got in the way. Hope you're still enjoying it. Any suggestions, you know where to leave them! And thanks as always for keeping with me and reading these mad ideas that pop into my head.**

Sitting on the wall swinging her legs and drinking coffee Amanda waited for Carisi to finish talking to his CI. It was the first minute she'd had to herself all day. Jessy had woken at 5 and that was the beginning of her day. It was now 3 in the afternoon and she felt like she'd been up for 3 days straight. Carisi was handing over the cash and Amanda hoped he'd gotten some useful information. She tried to stifle a yawn as he sat down beside her.

"Long day?"  
"If it didn't get dark I wouldn't be able to tell night from day anymore"

"Teeth?"

"Yeah, so Liv said"

"Liv?"  
"Uh, yeah she noticed the dark circles under my eyes. Said Noah was a nightmare for about 6 months."

"My sister's youngest took a year."  
"Thanks for that Carisi, makes me feel much better."

"So you been getting parenting advice from the Lieu?"  
"No." Her answer was so harsh it shocked them both.

"Sorry I'm just really tired. No the Lieutenant and I…" Amanda didn't even know where she was going to go with that sentence and was relieved when they were interrupted by Carisi's CI who had suddenly remembered another vital piece of information and was demanding another forty dollars in compensation.

Amanda sniggered and he glowered at her. She left Carisi to talk to him and returned to the car, thinking all the way there about Olivia and how they hadn't talked properly in a fortnight. Texts were answered with one or two words, calls went unanswered, Amanda and Jessy missed two yoga classes. Amanda felt so lonely, a loneliness she hadn't experienced since she first started working at SVU. She'd made friends quickly, but those first few months in New York had seen her almost book a ticket home nightly. Then she remembered what awaited her in Atlanta and figured the loneliness was better than the despair. She physically shook herself as she sat into the car and spoke quietly to herself; "Get a grip Rollins, you sound like a petulant child. Ooh I'm so lonely. Why does no one like me? Can you hear yourself?"

Carisi had started towards the car another 40 dollars worse off. When he sat into the driver seat he had a confused look on his face.

"Who were you talking to?"  
"What?"  
"When I was walking towards the car, you were talking… well it looked like you were talking to yourself."

"Speakerphone – Fin rang." Amanda was amazed how easy it was to lie. She wasn't usually so good at it. She switched topics quickly before he had the chance to ask any other details. "What did Jimmy have for you?"  
"Well he had a couple of names. Said he knew of one guy used to come around looking for younger boys. Jimmy tends to try and shield them a bit when they find themselves on the street first but he knows how it goes." Amanda nodded knowing all too well how it went.

"Anyway said there was a businessman, well dressed, used to pick up younger guys and bring them back to his. Jimmy says he drove a black SUV but that was all he had.

"What was the extra 40 bucks for?"  
"The colour of the SVU."

"Wow, helpful. Narrows it down to about 5 million people."

They drove in silence as the realisation that they still had very little to go on sunk in.

Amanda's phone beeping interrupted the quiet. Olivia's name popped up:

" _Are you home tonight?"_

Amanda sat up straighter in the seat. It was the first non-work related text she'd gotten from Olivia in a long time.

"Everything ok?" Carisi enquired from the driver's seat.

"Huh?"

"The text message got your attention. Is Jessy ok?"

"Yeah, sorry, yeah she's fine."

Carisi nodded figuring if it wasn't Jessy it wasn't any of his business.

Amanda thought about how to respond. She was home, of course she was, where else would she be? She hadn't been out since that night they'd… she couldn't even say kissed in her head. It made her shudder to think she'd made such a fool of herself. The first chance she'd had to be close to another mother and discuss things that only Olivia could understand and she'd made a pass at her. She was constantly berating herself for it and it was beginning to wear her down. She wanted to see Olivia outside of work, wanted to talk to her properly.

She tapped out a quick reply to the text:

" _Yeah, sure."  
_ Then she began to think that maybe Olivia was looking for a babysitter and didn't really want to see her. Her mind was working overtime when her phone buzzed again:

" _I have those clothes for Jessy. I'll call over around 8 and drop them off?"_

Amanda knew she'd see Olivia when they got back to the precinct in an hour or so but they refrained from talking about the kids and their lives outside when they were on duty unless it was within the confines of Olivia's office. They both worried that some weirdo would overhear their conversation and even the thought that one of them would so much as know the name of either of their children made both of them fearful.

She sent a quick text back:

" _Sure, 8 is good. See you then."_

Amanda mentally ran through the state of her apartment when she left that morning and wondered how many surfaces she could stuff things under to make it look less like a bomb had hit. Then she mentally kicked herself – this was Olivia; Olivia who had a kid and understood that kids were messy. Still…. Amanda almost told herself to 'shut up' out loud but stopped short. She'd already worried Carisi enough for one day, she didn't actually need to confirm his suspicions that she was indeed talking to herself and not Fin earlier.

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Amanda had just put Jessy down when she got a text from Olivia to say she was outside. She was surprised when she opened the door that she didn't have Noah with her and Olivia saw it on her face.

"Gina had him at the zoo today. He ran himself ragged so he was asleep when I got home. She had finals to study for and her cousins are visiting for a few weeks. She needed some peace and quiet so I told her to stay and I'd pay her extra. She said the only way she'd stay was if I took the offer of extra pay back. So I gladly accepted and left her to it."  
Olivia held up the bag; "So can I come in?"

Amanda stood aside "Sorry, yeah come in."

Olivia put down the bag of clothes on one of the armchairs. Amanda had tried to tidy despite her earlier protests that she wouldn't. It wasn't clean in her mother's sense of the word but it was clean as it was going to get with a baby living there.

"Coffee?" Olivia was asking and Amanda smiled.

"I was going to offer," Amanda wandered towards the sofa and sat down pulling her legs under her.

"I know you were but I'm offering. I remember what teething was like. I didn't sleep for 2 days straight once."

Amanda picked at the loose threads on a throw on the back of the sofa where she'd spent last night dozing with Jessy fussing on her chest.

"Did you get any sleep over the last few days?"  
"About 2 hours last night and 3 the night before."

Olivia found two mugs and began to make the coffee.

"You know if you need a few days you have leave left to take Amanda?"

"Thanks but right now work is the only thing keeping me from going insane."  
"I remember."

Olivia walked into the living area and handed one cup to Amanda before warming her hands on the other.

They were quiet as both tried to think of something to say. Olivia hated the awkwardness that had built between them. She missed being able to talk to the younger woman when something was getting to her. She missed random texts about Jessy at two a.m. She realised a few days ago that ultimately she missed Amanda and everything to do with her. That is why she had sent the text today, resolving to get together and talk. Now that they were sitting there however, it wasn't that easy.

Amanda was the first to speak, "I'm sorry."  
"For what?"  
Amanda looked at her incredulous and Olivia laughed. Amanda scowled at her.

"Yes I know what you're sorry for but there's no need to be. Listen, I've never had friends in this job. I had a lifelong obsession with my first partner. It wasn't friendship it was worship; I know that now. I would trust the guys with my life but I won't call them to ask them to come over because Noah is crying and I'm just about to start crying with him. You are the first person I would do that with Amanda. And if it's ok with you I'd like to keep doing it?"  
Amanda's shoulders relaxed and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. She was afraid that Olivia had come over to tell her they needed to stop seeing each other outside of work. That what had happened was a mistake and she needed to see to it that it never happened again. Olivia said none of those things and the knot of worry that had been present in Amanda's chest since the night they kissed disappeared.

"It's fine by me Liv. I just… I'm sorry."  
"Amanda there is nothing to be sorry for. I had a 'moment" Olivia made air quotes with her fingers around the mug, "and you were there and you did the one thing I never had the balls to do in all the years Elliot and I were partners."

"Kiss him?"

Olivia's thought about all the nights she'd fallen asleep wishing that Elliot was holding her and nodded.

"It was a messed up relationship and partnership. Cragen knew that we were too dependent on each other but he also knew that if he separated us we'd end up falling apart. When he left I almost did." Olivia moved forward and put her coffee cup on the table beside Amanda's. Resting her elbows on her knees, she balanced her chin on her intertwined fingers. She hadn't thought about Elliot this much in a long time and it had knocked her sideways.

"He meant a lot to you." Olivia felt a hand on her lower back as Amanda rested her hand on the exposed skin between her jeans and her baseball shirt.  
"He was my world but he had his own life. I let him become more than a partner and..."

Amanda heard the hurt in Olivia's voice and wanted to soothe. Instead she left her hand where it was and waited for Olivia to speak again. When she didn't Amanda spoke quietly.

"I missed you."

Olivia moved and sat upright again moving to position herself in the same way as Amanda on the sofa. She needed to not think about Elliot for a while and she decided she needed a counselling session soon as well.

"I missed you too. Noah missed you both as well. He's been asking about Jessy non-stop."

"If it's ok with you I think we'd like to join you guys for yoga again?"  
Olivia smiled and grabbed her phone from her pocket. "We'd love that. He learned a new move last week." Olivia tapped the screen and brought to a life a video of Noah trying to standing on one leg, brining his other foot to his calf and trying to balance. He lasted a good three seconds before he wobbled and almost fell. He was immensely proud of himself as he shouted "I did it Mama".

"He's gona be training the other kids before long."

"He's nothing if not dedicated. He takes everything he does so seriously, sometimes a little bit too much. He's very competitive."  
"Gee I wonder where he got that from." Amanda laughed as Olivia swatted her arm.

A small whimper followed by a loud scream from the baby monitor made Amanda groan. She automatically moved to get up but felt a hand on hers. "Stay there I'll get her." Amanda was too tired to argue.

Olivia emerged from her room a few minutes later holding a sated Jessy snuggled against her shoulder.

"How in the name of God did you manage that?"  
Olivia shrugged as she gently swayed with the small bundle in her arms.

"Well whatever you're doing keep doing it. She's not due a feed for another hour and if we mess with that schedule I'll be up half the night."

Olivia did as requested and walked around the living area for another fifteen minutes before attempting to sit down, sure that Jessy was asleep. She was and her head lolled gently inwards onto Olivia's chest as she quieted.

Olivia kissed the top of her head and Amanda's heart swelled.

"She missed you too."

Olivia rested her head against Jessy's and they sat in silence, not awkward like earlier but content. Amanda's mind wandered to what it would be like to spend every night like this and she mentally kicked herself for the tenth time that day. When Jessy woke for her feed Amanda was dozing beside them on the couch so Olivia prepared her bottle, leaving the little girl down in her basinet for five minutes. Her gentle crying eventually woke Amanda and she bolted upright, afraid because she couldn't remember where Jessy was and not sure who was walking towards her bassinet. Then she heard the familiar voice.

"Sshhh it's me. She woke for her feed. I'm gona sort her out then we're going to get you both down for the night."

Amanda looked on as Olivia lifted a now whimpering Jessy into her arms and sat in on one of the kitchen chairs. The bottle was devoured in minutes and the small bundle was once again dozing in Olivia's arms making burping her difficult. Job finally done Olivia made her way into Amanda's room and put Jessy in her crib. Amanda was beside her when she turned around and her heart skipped a beat as the smaller woman wrapped her arms around her waist resting her head against her chest. She instinctively put her arms around Amanda's shoulders pulling her closer.

"I don't know what I'm doing right now" Amanda spoke quietly against her chest and Olivia stroked her back.

"But it feels so right and I don't want to let go."

Olivia kissed the top of the blonde's head and walked slowly backwards towards the bed. Sitting down she brought Amanda with her and as they lay back she turned so they were side by side on top of the comforter.

"I'm going to go now and you're going to sleep. No more sorry, no more deliberately missing each other's calls, no more skipping yoga, no more avoiding each other when we're leaving at night…"

"You saw that?"  
"Rollins, I'm a cop, not a dog groomer. You were gone so quick most evenings I barely saw you turn the corner."

Amanda laughed against the neck her head was buried against.

"So no more ok?"  
"Sure thing Lieu."

"Now I'm gona go and you're going to get some sleep so that when she wakes up you'll be able to function."

Amanda moved back and Olivia lifted the comforter to put it over her. She kissed her cheek and Amanda turned to kiss her lips softly. It was brief but it comforted both women and as Olivia stroked the loose blonde strands back behind her ear the detective began to fall asleep. Placing another kiss on her temple Olivia stood. Making her way to the bassinet she kissed the sleeping baby and then slowly and quietly closed the door. Letting herself out of the apartment she made her way to the car. The smile that graced her lips the whole way home was still present when she said goodnight to Gina who questioned where she'd been, who she'd been with and was it them that was making her smile before she was shooshed out the door laughing.

Olivia checked on Noah who was still sound asleep and made her way to her room. Changing into a loose t-shirt and shorts she climbed into bed and was still smiling into the darkness as she fell asleep.

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	5. Chapter 5

Amanda looked up as the brunette walked by her desk and gave her a brief but bright smile as she made her way to the elevator, Carisi hot on her heels. She returned to the paperwork on her desk but her mind drifted back to the previous night. They'd spent it together at Amanda's watching an old black and white film, something Amanda would never dream of watching on her own. Jessy slept for a few hours, part in thanks to the fact Noah had worn her out by playing peek-a-boo and in part to the fact the tooth that had been keeping her awake was finally through. Lying on the sofa Olivia had curled herself around Amanda, one arm resting on her hip, the other stroking her hair. Amanda had sighed in contentment and did so again now gaining an odd look from Fin.

"Sorry, I just remembered what it was like to sleep there for a minute." She tried to joke but Fin was still looking at her as if she had suddenly grown a second head. That wasn't a sigh that was a little groan. Amanda suppressed the smile that was trying to grace her lips as she remembered saying goodnight to her guests the night before. Noah was sleeping soundly in her bed and Olivia was going to try not to disturb him as she transferred him to the car, so Amanda knew she only had a small window of opportunity between Olivia standing and reaching her room. Catching her hand half way down the corridor she smiled predatorily as she pushed the lieutenant against the nearest wall and claimed her lips in a deep kiss. She didn't want to say goodnight with a chaste kiss on the cheek at the door. She wanted, no she knew now she needed to claim Olivia completely, to remind her that while they were both mom's, both cops, they were still both women who craved each other's touch. At least Amanda hoped that was how Olivia felt, because she knew it was exactly how she was feeling. If Olivia's response to the kiss was anything to go by she was reassured that she felt it too. Splaying her fingers at the base of Amanda's neck she pulled her closer, claiming every inch of her lips, tugging gently with her teeth on her bottom lip causing a little gasp that afforded her access with her tongue. The kiss deepened and Amanda was glad they were standing against something as her legs had gotten significantly weaker since she started this, and boy was she glad she'd started it. Olivia's hand roamed her body now, eventually resting on her ass and squeezing lightly. Amanda felt the seam of her jeans rub against her swollen clit and she moaned into the other woman's mouth. Pulling back, she realised she needed to catch her breath and what remained of her sanity before she ended up dry humping Olivia's leg.

Olivia rested her forehead against hers and brought her arms around her waist.

"Well there goes the idea of me sleeping tonight."

Olivia chuckled "Yeah me too."

"I want you so bad." Amanda felt her head move as Olivia nodded in agreement.

"I know Mand, I know. I want you too, so much. I just don't want to…"

"I know" Amanda whispered. They'd discussed what having sex would mean for them as friends, as colleagues and ultimately as a couple. Besides the mammoth planning it was going to take to coordinate babysitters, it was also something neither of them had done before and nerves were also playing a factor.

"I never thought I'd feel like a virgin again." Olivia admitted freely that she was scared that she couldn't be what Amanda needed in a partner. Amanda had reassured her it couldn't be further from the truth. They both realised it was going to take some time and gentle persuasion for both of them to be completely ok with taking that final step. In the meantime, all of the steps in between were keeping them amused.

"I better get him or he'll never go back to sleep if he wakes too long."

Amanda leaned in for one final kiss and released the hand she was still holding since she'd caught it minutes before. Olivia walked by moments later with a half dozing Noah in her arms, stopping at the door for the brief kiss on the cheek Amanda had thought of earlier. She smiled and waved down the hall before closing the door. Turning off the TV and the lights she made her way to her room and undressed. As she did she realised her nipples were aching against her bra and her clit was still swollen. She needed a shower so she took the baby monitor with her and started the water running. She usually didn't get to spend more than 3 minutes in the shower of late, so she hoped Jessy would sleep a bit longer. She began to lather shower gel in her hands under the water, which was finally hot. As she glided her hands over her body her left hand came to rest on her right nipple. Her breasts had been more tender since she'd given birth and whereas before she could take or leave people playing with them when she had sex, now she loved the feel of Olivia touching them, on the few occasions she'd done so. Maybe it was giving birth, maybe it was Olivia. All Amanda knew as she stood twisting her nipple was it felt fantastic. Her other hand had travelled further south and was resting over the vee between her thighs. She laughed at the absurdity of masturbating in the shower, something she hadn't done in years but the laugh turned into a mewl as the tip of her index finger found her hard clit. Amanda began a long stroke with her finger, circling her clit as she came back up around each time. She knew it wasn't going to take much, all she needed to do was think of Olivia's body pressed against hers, her tongue in her mouth… Amanda's finger circled her clit faster, rubbing furiously. She bit her lip just has Olivia had earlier and it took 2 strokes of the fingers she'd just entered herself with to tip her over the edge, breathing heavily, resting her back against the tiled wall. The spasms around her fingers continued for moments as she regained her balance and her breathing slowed. After a minute she remembered the actual goal of being in the shower – to have a shower.

She was careful to avoid her nipples as she washed herself and hastily shampooed her hair, stepping out minutes later and wrapping herself in a robe after drying herself.

When she returned to the room it was still quiet and she sighed in relief, placing the monitor back on the bedside locker and turning it off. She ran a brush through her towel dried hair and tied it into a ponytail, a frequent occurrence of late, meaning her natural curls were a more permanent fixture. She didn't like them but she knew Olivia did so it didn't bother her as much as it used to.

She picked up her phone and there was a text from Olivia to say she was home safe and sound.

There was a second bubble beneath it

" _I wish I could have stayed tonight… It was so hard to stop… You're beautiful you know that?"_

Amanda tapped out a quick reply

" _I wish you could have stayed too. I had to take care of things after you left…"_

She smiled when she got a shocked emoji face as a reply followed by a message.

" _And here was me thinking you were a good Catholic girl… God I wish I could have watched…"_

The idea of that caused Amanda's clit to swell again.

" _Fuck you Benson, now I'm wet again."  
"Well there's only one way to solve that."_

Amanda's nipples were hard again and she growled.

" _You've left me here like a horny teenager you know that right…?"_  
Amanda's heart skipped a beat when the phone began to vibrate and a picture of Olivia and Noah in Central Park popped up. Swiping right she answered the phone but all she heard was a low groan.

"Tell me what you're doing?" Amanda spoke straight away, not needing to ask really but wanting to know.

"I'm touching myself, agghh… I'm touching my clit and I'm…" Olivia's breathing was fast and shallow.

"And what baby, what?"  
"I'm imagining it's you, I want it to be you."  
"It is me, do you feel me? Go inside baby, two fingers inside."

Olivia closed her eyes tightly as she slid two fingers into the mounting wetness. She was so close and the sound of Amanda's voice talking to her was making her more turned than she'd been in a long time.

"Now stroke yourself Liv, long fast strokes. Use your other hand to circle your clit and pinch it, then circle it, fast… that's it baby…"

Amanda could hear Olivia moan; knew she was close.

"Now baby, come on, come for me."

Olivia's hips arched off the bed as she came hard, holding her hands in place to prolong the orgasm that was wracking her body.

It was a minute before she spoke again and when she did her voice was shaky.

"Woah, that was…"  
"You ok Liv?"  
Olivia nodded and then remembered Amanda couldn't see her; in that moment she wished she could.

"Uh-huh, just wish you were here."  
"I know I felt the same earlier."

"Pretend I am, for now ok? Pretend we're back on your sofa and I'm stroking your hair and you're getting sleepy."  
Amanda yawned, Olivia's words having the desired effect.

"Try and get some sleep darlin', you'll need all your energy for when she wakes."  
"Uh-huh". Amanda felt her eyelids getting heavy and the last thing she remembered was Olivia saying goodnight.

Now sitting at her desk she felt her phone vibrate on her desk. The message read

" _Last night was wonderful. If that's what phone sex is like I can't wait to give the real thing a try"_

Amanda blushed as she read and re-read the message.

"You ok Mand?" Fin's look of concern made her blush even more.

"Yeah I'm good big man, thanks."  
"Good cause we have some street cam footage to review. You think you can manage that without daydreaming too much?"  
Amanda stuck her tongue out and Fin laughed as they made their way to the screen in the corner, Amanda barely trusting her legs to get her there and sitting down as quickly as she possibly could.

She was still sitting there when Olivia walked back into the squad room and the smile on the lieutenant's face said she knew exactly the effect the text message had had. She winked and Amanda blushed again. She knew now what Olivia meant about feeling like a virgin again but she felt like they'd gotten over some of the embarrassment the night before. Now all that was required was military organisation to get them alone for a night. Come hell or high water she was going to make sure that the next time she came it was Olivia's hand between her legs and not her own.

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	6. Chapter 6

"Noah I am begging you, put your jacket on for Mama". Olivia grunted as a small hand accidentally punched her in the face as Noah struggled away from her. It caught the edge of her lip causing it to bleed.

"Ok it's not that cold, who needs a coat. Gina can have this fight with you because honestly I'm too tired."

Noah simply smiled and ran towards the door when he heard a knock "Nenaw" – he had yet to master Gina's name.

"Yes it is Gina." Olivia made her way to the door picking up the squirming toddler in order to open the door.

The minute Noah set eyes on Gina he threw his arms out for her to take him. He kissed her nose and began to giggle as she took him into her arms and tickled him.

"Hey Liv. What happened to your lip?"

"We had a disagreement about whether he needed to put a coat on."

"Woah, he has a mean right hook. Maybe we should enrol him in judo instead of going to playgroup. You late tonight?"

Olivia wished she could say no. Felt guilt like she'd never known before; no child should be that happy at seeing his childminder.

"Uh, yeah."  
"That's ok. I have more study to do so we'll see you when we see you."

Olivia nodded and kissed the little boys head as he played with his favourite truck.

"Bye buddy." She got no response as she grabbed her bag and headed to the door. She couldn't help but dwell on her abilities as a mother all the way to work. When she reached the squad room she gave a brief nod to each of her colleagues and muttered a quick good morning before closing the office door and sitting down heavily into her chair. She sighed when there was a knock on the door.  
"Come in", her tone was harsh and she bit her lip, remembering too late about the cut and realising she'd opened it by biting it.

The door opened just as she muttered a quiet "fuck" under her breath.

"It's nice to see you too." Amanda was smiling but it disappeared when she was the blood coming from the corner of Olivia's mouth.

"What the hell, Liv what happened?" Amanda closed the door and moved to her lieutenant's side.

Olivia was rooting in the drawer looking for a tissue forgetting about the box on her desk. Amanda grabbed one and cupped Olivia's face, turning it towards her so she could hold the tissue to her lip. Olivia's natural instinct was to reach up, take the tissue and tell Amanda she was fine. Instead she rested her head into Amanda's hand and closed her eyes as the detective bunched the tissue so it didn't stick and began to dab at the blood to stop it. Amanda didn't talk, just stroked her thumb across Olivia's cheek, enjoying the contact but worried about what had happened.

Eventually the blood slowed to a trickle and Amanda wiped the last of it from around the corner of Olivia's mouth.

"Bad mornin'?"

"Think that might be understating it a bit." Olivia had opened her eyes and was staring into blue ones full of concern. "I'm fine hon', Noah decided he didn't want to put his coat on. He swung back when I took his hand to try and put it in the arm of his jacket and caught me. I just irritated it with my teeth by accident."

"Phew, I thought you'd finally annoyed that parking garage attendant in your building so much she decked you."

Olivia smiled, "She's lucky she still has a job after scratching my car moving that guys' sedan."

"Seriously are you ok?"

"I will be. Just some Mom guilt."

Amanda nodded knowing exactly how it felt and leaned down to hug the other woman kissing the top of her head as she did. "Tomorrow morning he'll be throwing his cereal at you like normal."

Olivia inhaled deeply taking in the scent of Amanda's perfume, which now caused her stomach to do a small flip when she smelled it nearby. The arms around her and the head resting atop hers gave her a sense of protection he'd never felt before.

"Can we just stay here like this for the day?"  
"Sure, I'll just lock the door and we'll curl up on the desk." She felt Olivia's body shake as she laughed. Sitting up she placed another kiss on her temple.

"You ready to work?"  
Olivia nodded and rotated her shoulders to loosen them.

"Ok Max's foster mother rang this morning. She has him at home for the day. Just before school this morning, on their walk there, he lost it. He started screaming and crying and trying to run away from her. She managed to calm him down after they caught him and sent her other children on to school with another parent passing by. She's taken him home and called the doctor but he asked to see the blonde police lady. I said I'd be straight over, I got the call just as you came in."  
"You want me to come with?"  
"That's what I was coming in to ask before I saw your face bleeding. Now I know there's no charges pending for assault, you ok to go?"

"Yeah, let's go."

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Olivia sat in the kitchen with Kelly Reagan as she recounted what had happened on the walk to school that morning. She interjected with questions about change in route, vehicles nearby and other factors she thought might have caused the reaction in the little boy.

Amanda was making very little progress in the living room, which Olivia and Kelly were looking into from where they were sitting.

Olivia couldn't hear everything Amanda was saying as her tone was soft. She was sitting with Max on the floor, playing with his truck, and Olivia was once again struck by the similarities with Noah that morning playing on the floor before she left. She refocused her attention as she realised Kelly had said something.

"Sorry could you repeat that?" she asked the foster mother who had continued talking as Olivia's mind momentarily moment.

"It was 8:15 a.m. or thereabouts and we had just passed by a computer store. The street was quiet apart from this guy outside shouting about discounted products in some stupid put on Australian accent. There were a few cars parked along the street and people around, but mostly parents I knew bringing their kids to school. Max just totally lost it. He ran two blocks before my eldest caught him and he kept punching him. Thankfully this isn't James's first foster brother with emotional problems so he knows how to bear hug without getting his ribs broken. We got him back here with a lot of effort and that's when he asked for the blonde police lady. Thankfully I still had Detective Rollins' card in my wallet.

"So there was nothing out of the ordinary you could see?"

"Honestly, I was concentrating so much on making sure all the kids stayed together while we tried to catch James and Max I couldn't say anything for sure. But not that I noticed."

Olivia nodded and followed Kelly's gaze, which had never left her foster son. Kelly had cared for many children in her time, their pictures lined the walls of her living room. She was truly concerned for Max and it restored some of Olivia's faith in a foster system that she'd often seen do wrong by the kids who ended up in it.

Amanda nodded and stood, handing Max her card and rustling his blonde hair before joining Kelly and Olivia in the kitchen.

"Any luck?" both of them asked, almost in unison.

Amanda shook her head. "Whatever it was, it sparked a pretty strong reaction in him. He's trying really hard to block it out." Amanda looked defeated, Olivia could see it was getting to her. She decided to explain to Max's foster mother what would happen next.

"We'll gather CCTV from the area, see if there's anything unusual in it. We'll get back to you if there is. In the meantime, anything else, call us any time."

Kelly nodded as she stood to see the women out.

There's a coffee shop a few streets back, you wana grab something to eat? Olivia asked as they made their way to the car.

"Sure."

Amanda was still distracted and didn't notice Olivia taking her hand until their fingers intertwined. She looked down and then brought her gaze back up to meet the brunette's.

"What?" Olivia asked innocently.

"Are you really holding my hand Lieutenant?" Olivia tried to pull away in that moment but Amanda stopped her.

"Don't you dare. You started this."

Olivia smiled and squeezed the hand in hers tighter. I just thought you needed a bit of reassurance that I've got your back."

"You had more than my back last night."  
"What?"  
"I uh… hmm, I had a very interesting dream last night. It involved you and we had significantly less in the way of clothes on."

Olivia was speechless as they reached the café.

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Breakfast with Olivia that morning seemed like days ago as Amanda sat staring at the same CCTV footage from another angle. She's spent the afternoon in court and got buried in paperwork for hours when she got back. She was only now getting around to looking at the footage that they'd collected. It showed James chase Max for the third time all seeming to emanate from nothing. Max wasn't looking at anything in particular, was talking to the young girl walking beside him, his foster sister Janet, and then he screamed and started to run.

"Someone talked to the foster sister?" Fin asked as he returned with dinner; a hot dog from the cart outside.

"Yeah the Mom had a chat with her. Said they were talking about dogs and cats and arguing over which was a better pet." Amanda rewound the footage and played it again.

"It's like he just freezes, right there" Amanda paused the tape and zoomed in on Max, a look of pure terror on his tiny face.

"5 senses time. Have you gone through what the others could see, smell, taste, hear and touch?"

Amanda nodded as she read through Olivia's notes and her own again. All consistent, nothing unusual. I sure as hell don't know what spooked this kid, but whatever it was it really scared him."

Fin grasped her shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "Slow and steady with the little ones Manda, you know how it goes."

Amanda nodded and rewound the tape again. Carisi joined her and suggested she put it up on the big screen, save herself the optician's bill. She smiled and took his suggestion, hooking up the HDMI cable. She knew Sonny cared about her and Jessy and she appreciated it greatly. She was just worried he thought that they could be more than friends. She had already joked with him about not dating co-workers and he'd looked crestfallen. She didn't ever want to see him look like that again. And she could only imagine how he would react if anything was to happen between her and Olivia. Had something already happened? What was happening?

"Amanda?"  
Carisi's voice broke through her thoughts.

"Sorry, what?"  
"I said this is pretty grainy footage. Why don't you take a break for the night, go home and see Jessy?"

Amanda nodded, feeling the beginnings of a headache behind her eyes. "You know what, I think that might be the smartest thing anyone said to me all day."

Sonny smiled and went to her desk to retrieve her jacket and bag.

"Scoot" he said, handing them to her.

"I'm just going to say goodnight to the Lieutenant."

Carisi smiled and nodded. He'd noticed that Olivia and Amanda had gotten close and he was glad she had someone to talk to. He tried but he knew all his knowledge of kids still didn't mean he understood what it was to have his own. He returned to his desk and booted up his computer, settling in for another hour or two of paperwork.

Amanda gave a quick knock on the glass and when she heard a quiet _'come in'_ she opened the door.

Olivia was signing off on something as Amanda stood at the door jamb.

"I'm heading home, just wanted to say goodnight."  
"Come in for a minute", Olivia's voice was quiet.

Amanda closed the door and Olivia stood, walking towards her and pulling her into an embrace.

"I've wanted to do this all day" Olivia said quietly into her hair. They were in the corner of the office behind the door so no-one could see them. Amanda braced herself against the wall so she could take Olivia's full weight into her arms.

"I'm gona go home grab a shower and then get something to eat. Have you eaten?"

"No, but I've so much paperwork to do I'm trying to work out if it's really necessary for me to sleep for the next two days."

"It'll still be here tomorrow. Is Gina staying late?"

"Yes" Olivia's head was now resting on her shoulder and Amanda's hand was stroking up and down her back making Olivia sleepy.

"Finish up here and meet me at mine. I can't promise gourmet cuisine but I think there may be something edible in my fridge."

Olivia chuckled and pulled back kissing the blonde's forehead.

"I really shouldn't, but how could I resist an offer like that? Give me an hour and I'll see you there." Amanda gave her a quick peck on the lips just before she opened the door to leave; "See you in a while.

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A while turned into three hours and by the time Olivia had finished her paperwork she needed to get home so Gina could at least get 8 hours before she had to come back.

She texted Amanda on the ride home and said she'd been held up and needed to get home to Noah. She got a sad face emoji in return and smiled, tapping away on the keypad and almost missing her stop.

Walking the few blocks to her apartment Olivia thought about Max and the torment he must be going through. She couldn't process her own emotions sometimes; she couldn't understand how a child was meant to cope with this stuff.

She smiled as she gave a small nod to Gina who was knee deep in a Biology textbook. She'd make a great veterinarian's assistant when she was qualified. In the meantime, she made a fantastic childminder and Olivia thought how sad she'd be to lose her when she was finished studying.

"Hey, he go down ok?"  
"We had a discussion about whether Peppa Pig was really a girl and he was out like a light."

Olivia laughed and made her way down the hall. Noah was fast asleep and she tip-toed to his bed, kissing him gently on the head, ensuring she didn't wake him, she wasn't ready for a night of toddler tantrums. Returning to the living room, Gina had just finished packing up and was grabbing her coat.

"I'll see you at 7?"

"Make it 7:30. You need a break."

"I'll be awake anyway Liv. Thanks though, I might claim that half hour in lieu."

Olivia smiled and gave a small wave as Gina turned and left.

Her phone vibrated on her hip and she read the text from Amanda:

" _I wish you were here. Don't worry, no guilt tripping, I know you needed to be home. Jessy was asleep when I got here and I was feeling Mom guilt too. I just wish we could spend the night together. I'd settle for sleeping at this stage."_

Olivia filled a glass with red wine and took a seat on the sofa texting back

" _Sleeping really? Is that all you think I'm good for?"_

She took a large gulp of wine and waited for a reply. It wasn't long coming.

" _Oh no Lieutenant, I know you're good for a lot more. BTW those black trousers you were wearing today, your ass looks amazing in them. You have another pair right?"_

Olivia blushed as she laughed and replied

" _I have a navy pair yes. And thank you."_

Olivia was amazed at how fast Amanda was replying and then remembered she was the tech wizard on the team, she could type in her sleep. Her phone vibrated again:

" _No need to thank me. In fact, I should be thanking you, those trousers kept me going every time you walked by today. Wear the navy one's tomorrow ;)"_

Olivia took but a moment to reply

" _Anything to make you happy"_

She smiled as she settled back on the sofa and settled in for a night of chatting with Amanda and barely paying attention to some awful re-run on TV.

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	7. Chapter 7

Fin arrived early the next morning and handed a disc to Amanda.

"Mr. Alphonso handed this in this morning at the front desk. Said he'd heard detectives were looking from CCTV from the morning Max lost it, but he'd been closed the day they visited. Wanted to help out. Kinda makes me think they're on our side sometimes."

The audio came to life on the fourth video and took them by surprise because the volume was up to the max on the TV. The previous three hadn't had any sound, but Mr. Alphonso had had his store robbed twice, once at gunpoint, so he had fitted the most high-tech equipment available."

They found the remote and turned it down, but not before the fake Australian accent that Kelly Reagan had mentioned boomed over the speakers.

Amanda paused the video and rewound it a few seconds. She'd noticed the correlation just as Carisi turned the sound down.

"Tell me if I'm crazy but does it look like he freezes the minute he hears that voice and just before he bolts?"

Carisi looked at the footage again. "Yeah, I think you're onto something there Rollins. It looks like it's the voice that spooks him."

"Right I'm going to that store."

"I'll come with."

Amanda nodded and shouted Olivia's name. She appeared in the squad room a minute later.

"Think we've got something." Olivia looked at the paused on the TV. "Max freezes the minute he hears the voice of that promo guy. Could be nothing but I want to check it out."

"Go. I'll ring Mrs. Reagan, see if it means anything to her.

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Amanda's phone rang as they reached the store. It was Olivia.

"Hey… Ok thanks…Yeah, you too"

"Short and sweet, she got anything?" Carisi asked.

"No, it meant nothing to Kelly Reagan."

They entered the shop and asked for the manager. A well-dressed man in his mid-forties appeared and they showed their badges.

"Officers what can I do for you?"  
"Detective's" Amanda corrected.

"Mr. Jones we have a couple of questions to ask you about a promotion you're running."

"Does the NYPD need new computers? I'm flattered. I think a complete re-kit out of your whole system is outside my scope, but I can certainly go department by department."

"Mr. Jones we're not here about computers. We're here about a promotion you're running." Stephen Jones looked confused.

"We're running a few, you'll need to be more specific."

"The Australian guy who was outside a few days back, who is he?" Carisi asked. The manager of the store merely shrugged.

"Dime a dozen extra from a local stage school. We paid him by the hour and that was all I know."

"His name was Felix." The young woman who was restocking shelves answered from behind them. "He's not Australian, he's from Queens. He flirted even with his wedding ring on."

Amanda turned her attention to the young woman. "Do you have a surname?"  
"No sorry, but I know he lives over in that new apartment block that used to be a hardware store. He told me to 'drop by some time for a good time' Jasmine did the air quotes for effect."

Carisi had continued to question Stephen Jones about the promotion while Amanda spoke to Jasmine. "If he comes back in can you ring me straight away." She handed her card to Jasmine who nodded and put it in her uniform pocket.

"Anything from the boss man?" Amanda asked as they walked towards the exit.

"Nothin'. You get anything from the girl?"  
"Yeah I got an address."

"Why do I get the feeling this is gona be a very long day?" Carisi asked as they walked to the car.

"Aren't they all?" Amanda sighed as she sat into the car. She was already tired and it was only 10 a.m. Jessy hadn't slept and it was after 2 a.m. when Amanda got to sleep and was awoken almost every hour after. She wanted to cry with Jessy by the time the sun was beginning to rise. It was going to be a very very long day.

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A bag was placed on her desk and it took a second to shake off the double vision to look up and see Olivia smiling at her.

"Eat."

Amanda looked down at the clock in the corner of her computer screen. It was nine hours since breakfast – a slice of toast – and she was starving.

"Thanks."

"Anything?"  
"No. Flatmate said he hadn't seen him for 2 days and apparently it's not unusual for him to disappear for a week. No answer from his cell. I hate waiting – I've told you that right? I hate waiting?"

"Only about 29 million times but thanks for the reminder. Now eat."

Olivia sat down at Fin's desk and opened the other bag with containers of rice and chicken. He had left for the evening and she and Amanda were the only ones left in the squad room.

"So if you won the lottery tomorrow."

"How much?"  
"Let's say $50 million; what would you do with it?"

"I'd buy an island."

"And do what?"  
"Live there. Oh no wait first I'd pay off all my debts."  
"How much?"  
"You don't want to know."  
"Have you been…"

"Not since before Jessy was born."  
"Ok, and then, what would you do on this island?"  
"Build a home…"

"I didn't know you were a block layer."  
"Ok wise ass, I'd buy an island and send you there."  
Olivia stood and turned her back, turning her head to look over her shoulder and in a low voice whispered "But then you'd never get to see this ass in these trousers again."

Amanda groaned "I wish I'd never told you that."

Olivia laughed as she sat back down "Yeah you do, and might I just say that top you're wearing shows off your best assets very well."  
"Did you just call my breasts my best assets?"  
Olivia's cheeks turned a dusky pink colour. "Sorry that was crass."  
"Yeah it was 10th grade behind the bike shed with Mike Colmey crass. However, I and my breasts thank you." Amanda winked and Olivia's blushed harder.

"Ok way off track. This Felix dude, he has no priors. He seems like a regular down on his luck actor, living pay cheque to pay cheque based on what his roommate said."  
"Just means we haven't caught him before Rollins."

Amanda nodded and returned to staring at the phone on her desk.

"You know what they say about a watched pot."  
"It burns if you leave it on too long."

Olivia threw one of the unused chopsticks that came with her dinner at the blonde.

"Hey, that could have had my eye out. Actually no, I've seen you try throw a basketball that night with Fin, I take it back, your aim is crap."

That comment resulted in the other chopstick flying through the air and missing her by inches.

"Better, maybe you should challenge him to a rematch."

The phone rang stopping Olivia's retort dead on her lips.

"Hello… Yes this is Detective Rollins. Hi Felix…" Amanda motioned for the notepad that she'd discarded earlier and which was now out of reach. Olivia grabbed it and this time, thankfully, her aim was better.

Amanda scribbled a few notes and put down the phone a few minutes later.

"Anything?"  
"Nothin'. Well I'll double check his alibi but he says after he finished up the promo he took a Red Eye and spent the last 2 days filming some soft porn film. Only got back tonight."  
"Seems like the kind of info you wouldn't offer up if you were trying to hide something."  
Amanda raked her hands through her hair, sighing. "You're probably right."

"I'm always right."

Olivia was trying to take some of the heaviness out of the mood and the small smile she got from Amanda was an indication she'd been somewhat successful.

"I think it's time we went home to our kids." Amanda nodded, just about ready to fall into bed. She grabbed her bag and coat and waited as Olivia got her stuff from her office and locked the door.

"Thanks for dinner."  
"No problem. Next time I might even cook for you."

Amanda linked arms with her as they walked towards the elevator. Olivia tensed slightly but relaxed into it when she realised the floor was deserted.

"Sorry." Amanda tried to remove her arm but Olivia held it in place.

"Don't be. I'm just not used to PDA's, they make me nervous." She drew the blonde tighter to her side; "But this is nice, I needed this, thank you."

As they exited the elevator and reached the street they knew they'd have to part ways to get home but both were reluctant to leave the other.

Amanda walked a block in the wrong direction just so she could spend a bit longer with the woman she was growing increasingly fond of.

"When they reached Olivia's subway station the Amanda pulled her into an embrace and leaned up slightly, claiming soft cold lips in a kiss, that even to passers-by looked passionate.

"Woah, that was…" she was slightly lost for words as she pulled Amanda closer, resting her forehead against hers.

"Yes it was. And just so you know when I finally get you alone I don't plan on stopping at that."

Olivia shivered and it was nothing to do with the cold night air.

"Thanks, that's going to make the ride home much easier to tolerate."

Amanda smiled and leaned in for another brief kiss. "Goodnight Liv."  
"Night Amanda."

She watched the blonde turn and walk away, only to turn back 50 meters away and give a brief wave before being gone into the darkness. Olivia realised her heart was beating a mile a minute. "Just from a kiss," she whispered to herself. On the ride home she imagined all the ways she could get the smaller woman alone so they could do far more than just kiss.

Her phone buzzed just as she got in the door. _"Home safe, you?"_

She typed a quick _"Yes"_ as she bid Gina goodnight.

" _Wish you were here."_

It was the same text that she had received from Amanda the night before and she realised it was even more true now than it was then. A simple _"Me too"_ followed as Olivia climbed into her pyjamas and into bed.

" _Soon?"_ Amanda's next text read. _  
"Very Soon."_

The simple texts they signed off with were now standard and indicated they were both ready to sleep;

" _Night beautiful x"  
"Night gorgeous x"_

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	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Started this a few weeks back before the S18 premier Wednesday night so the Central Park walk bit was done before that! Sorry this took so long – job hunting took up my spare time. Enjoy – I hope!**

The sun was shining and as they walked hand in hand through Central Park, Jessy asleep in the sling wrapped around Amanda, Noah asleep in his stroller. The brisk air allowed her to see her breath fog as she inhaled and exhaled and Olivia could almost convince herself it was a normal day, that they were a normal family. And then someone would walk too close behind them or brush past them as they walked and Olivia began to fret, something she'd never done before.

"Hey, Liv, relax!" She heard the gentle instruction and realised that she was squeezing Amanda's fingers to the point of pain. She released her grip but kept their fingers intertwined.

"What's wrong?"  
"Nothing"

"Yeah, that might work with the rest of the squad Lieutenant, not with me; now spill."

Olivia glanced sideways at the blonde and nodded slowing so they could sit on the next bench they came to. She parked the stroller facing towards her and wrapped an arm around Amanda's shoulder, bringing her and Jessy close to her.

"You gona talk or am I gona have to drag it out of you?" Olivia chuckled amazed at how well Amanda had gotten to know her in the small time they'd spent as more than co-workers. She could read her like a book sometimes and it both calmed and panicked the older woman in equal measures.

"Just being out like this, I feel so vulnerable. I know you're capable of taking care of yourself, we've both seen enough to know when your gut says something is wrong, it's wrong. I just…"

"You just worry that another Lewis or Patton is going to come along and destroy the first happiness you've found in so long you've forgotten what happiness felt like?"

"Uh, yeah, exactly that."  
"I know. Trust me, I know. Every single day I kiss her goodbye…" Amanda nodded down to the sleeping baby laying against her chest "… and I pray to god I'm going to come home in the evening to see her again. And now with you guys, well it feels like my emotions have gone into some kind of crazy hyper-drive. So I get it, trust me."  
"I suppose I should really think about sharing this stuff when it bothers me, I've forgotten how to do that bit."  
"You're pretty much guaranteed if I haven't experienced it I've at least got some empathy stored up somewhere for you." Amanda's tone was light, an attempt to lift the sombre mood that had settled on their otherwise enjoyable morning together.

"Sorry I didn't mean to ruin things, I just couldn't get it outta my head."  
"That's where I come in from now on. So when something is getting at you, talk to me – deal?" Amanda held her hand out and Olivia shook it leaning in for a small peck on the lips to seal the deal.

"Ok, so I don't know about you but I can't feel my nose anymore. I could really do with a coffee somewhere warm and a hot shower before we head on shift."

"Sounds like a plan."

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Fin nodded to Amanda as she arrived for her shift. "Nice morning?"

"Would have been nicer if I didn't have to come here."

Fin grunted, returning to the paperwork he was swamped in. No matter how hard he tried it always seemed to be piled high. The temptation to burn it all had almost gotten him on more than one occasion.

Amanda began scrolling through her e-mail and remembered that she needed to e-mail Barba. She was in the middle of it when her phone rang.

"Detective Rollins"

The voice on the other end of the line was quiet and Amanda didn't recognise it straight away.

"Detective Rollins, it's Jasmine."

"Jasmine?... Oh hey Jasmine; what's up?"  
"Felix is here. You said to call if he turned up."  
"Thanks, I've been talking to him though."

"Oh, ok well that's all."

"Thanks again Jasmine."  
"Bye."  
"Bye."

Amanda sighed as she hung up, still frustrated that they were no further with the case. His mother had lawyered up and was talking to no one, even in lock up. It was only a matter of time before the other's found out what she was in for and Amanda hoped she got what was coming to her. In the meantime, though, she wanted justice for Max.

"You remember that case from 6 months back, Mom working the streets to pay her kids private school fees, raped by that john?" Fin interrupted her train of thought.

"Uh-huh"  
"What was the name of the guy we collared? Muniz, Munchen, Munchhausen?

"That last one is a psychiatric disorder. It was Muñoz"

"Thank You."

"Why?"

"Cause he made bail and something just came across the scanner that sounded like him. You know I always think they can't be that stupid and they prove me wrong. Fancy coming with, see where he's been for the last few hours?"  
"Sure, just let me sign these last two… Done."

Amanda stood, grabbing her jacket. Before she had the chance to put it on her phone rang again. She recognised the number.

"Jasmine?"  
"He's going crazy. You need to get here quick."  
"Ok Jasmine, breathe, what's going on?"  
"Mr. Jones. He's smashing up his office, he smashed a window and he's just punched a hole in the door…" There was a small shriek on the line as Jasmine heard the computer screen hit the wall and smash.

"I don't know what Felix said but he left with a face like thunder and now Mr. Jones is wrecking the place. Fuck…" Jasmine's voice trailed off sounding absolutely terrified.

"Jasmine what is it?"

The voice, now only a whisper on the other end of the line, stammered out "He's got a gun, he's muttering to himself and moving it from hand to hand. Jesus."

"Ok Jasmine I need you to stay on the phone with me. I'll be there in ten minutes."

Fin had already summoned Olivia from her office and was waiting for further instruction from his partner before they took their next step.

"Jasmine, can you get as far away from the office as possible without raising suspicion? Move to the front of the store and pretend to rearrange a display or something?"

"Yeah" the meek voice trembled.

"Ok we're on our way, I need to talk to my team for a second but don't hang up ok, I'll be back in a minute.

Amanda took 30 seconds to relay the situation to Carisi, Fin and Olivia, and they made their way to the parking garage, Olivia already on the phone to the SWAT team as they walked.

Careering through the streets, sirens blaring to move them through the traffic, the silence was deafening as they turned them off to make their way the last two blocks to the computer store of Stephen Jones. Tactics were discussed and although SWAT wanted to take the lead Amanda and Carisi insisted they knew the situation, knew the people involved and therefore were best placed to go in. Olivia okayed the plan and with guns drawn the team of 4 entered the premises, forming a shield for Jasmine to leave with a uniformed officer waiting at the door to escort her first. Then silent instructions via hand gestures and head nods passed between them, as the Lieutenant and her team moved through the store, scanning every corner. Fanning out they covered the areas they had discussed after studying the floor plan in the back of the van. Fin and Olivia took the left, Carisi and Rollins took the right.

Just as Olivia and Fin reached the back wall and were making their way to join Rollins and Carisi at the centre at the back of the store where the two offices were located there was a shot fired. Olivia and Fin took cover and Olivia radioed for the SWAT team to enter. A blood covered Carisi emerged from the office with his hands in the air. Amanda was nowhere to be seen. Olivia's chest constricted and she felt winded when she saw Carisi come towards her.

"Rollins?" Her voice was barely audible so she repeated Amanda's name in case she'd only said it to herself; she honestly wasn't sure. She didn't hear Carisi's answer after the first two words "She's fine…"

Olivia pushed by him and ran into the back office where Amanda stood at the corner of the desk staring down at a blood covered Stephen Jones.

Her gun was back in its holster so Olivia put hers away and walked to her side, approaching so Amanda was aware she was there so as not to startle her.

"Put a bullet in himself. Last words were tell my wife I love her."

Olivia's heart finally regained a normal rhythm now that she knew it wasn't Amanda's blood Carisi was covered in, but she still felt the need to touch her. Resting a hand on the smaller woman's lower back she felt grounded. Amanda turned to look at her properly with a questioning look. Then she realised what had Olivia looking as pale as death.

"Oh, hon, it's ok, it wasn't me. I'm fine"

Olivia nodded and her head lowered to take one more deep breath as Amanda reached for the hand on her back and squeezed it reassuringly.

"What happened?"  
"He didn't say much once we got in here. Was muttering something about telling lies and killing the bastard. Then he became aware we were here, looked at us, said what he said about the wife and shot himself. Carisi checked him but he realised he was gone almost straight away. That's when he left to get you guys.

Amanda was still holding Olivia's hand when Fin walked in and although he noticed he didn't pass comment. He had other things to be concerned about, not least of which was the dead body in the room.

"What we go Lieu?"  
"Seems he had something he really didn't want to tell us. Can you get the scene cordoned off, get the techs in get them to send anything they think we need to see to the lab?"  
"Roger that."

Olivia nodded and then spoke to Amanda, breaking the tangible link she'd formed the moment she'd walked through the door. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good. If it's ok with you I'd like to work with the IT guys on the tech? I've got a feeling there's something on here that might help us with Max?"

"Sure thing."

They all made their way from the store and Olivia spoke to the CSU techs who had just arrived as the other three detectives organised their way back to the precinct. Amanda gave Olivia a small wave and it wasn't until twelve hours later that they actually got to speak their next proper full sentence to one another.

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Gina stood to say hello to Olivia when she got home and was surprised to see she had company. She had only ever met one colleague of Olivia's, Munch. When she spied Jessy in her stroller her nannying instinct kicked in straight away. She offered to take the squirming bundle off Amanda's hands and feed her if she needed feeding.

Amanda was grateful to have one less task to complete for the evening and willingly handed over her daughter for a feed.

Amanda fell onto the sofa, exhausted. She was almost certain she would end up sleeping there if she closed her eyes so she tried not to.

She felt Olivia's hand rest on her thigh and she moaned softly as brunette kneaded the muscles in her thigh and hip that were knotted tensely from hours of sitting still.

"What possess someone to just put a bullet in their head?"  
"It's not something you can ever understand, don't ever want to understand Mand."  
"I just don't… I mean we spend our days around firearms, we know what they can do, we understand the fear they cause, the harm they do. Why…? I mean…" The sheer frustration was evident in every tense muscle of Amanda's body. "And he's left us with an ever bigger mess than we had before this. Possibly with more clues but none we can get at without fear of wiping them all. If I'd known, he went to MIT before he decided to be a store owner, I may not have volunteered for tech duty earlier either."

Olivia knew there was no one she would trust more than Amanda to get to the info they needed from the numerous hard-drives they found in the office that day but she also knew that she was tired and still in shock from watching Jones take his own life. She needed to unwind and Olivia wanted her to get some sleep. She stood and placed a kiss on Amanda's head before making her way into the kitchen area to speak to Gina.

When she came back to the sofa the blonde's eyes were closed and Olivia was sure she was asleep.

"Not asleep" came the half sleep-laden answer. Olivia chuckled as she sat down.

"Gina is going to stay."

"Huh?"  
"Gina, you met her 2 minutes ago. She's going to stay the night. I told her you'd had a horrible day and needed to sleep. She used to stay over when Noah was little."

"Why?" Amanda's mind had ceased functioning as tiredness hit her hard  
"For Jessy, for the night, while you sleep."  
"She… I can't…"

Amanda felt herself being pulled to her feet as she continued to try to form thoughts. She heard Olivia speak as she felt herself being moved, somewhat under her own steam, towards what she knew was Olivia's bedroom. The lamp light cast a warm glow on the bed as Amanda felt strong arms pull her into an embrace.

"I thought…" Olivia shivered

"It wasn't me Liv" Amanda mumbled into her shoulder

"I know" Olivia whispered quietly. "I just…" Amanda pulled out of the embrace and kissed the lips of the head dipped towards the floor, lifting it as she moved them towards the bed. Olivia sat down on the bed and Amanda straddled her waist, kissing her deeply. Olivia moaned as the blonde's tongue stroked hers in time to the hand caressing her back, under her shirt. She lay back and the body straddling hers followed her down onto the bed. Amanda tried but failed to hide the tiredness that was consuming her as the kisses became slower and lighter.

"I can't believe the first time I get you in my bed we're both too exhausted to do anything about it."

Amanda laughed as she moved to lay curled into Olivia's arms. "Thank you for this."

Olivia kissed the rosy cheek of the woman beside her. "I think I could get used to this."

"Me too." Amanda sighed and then remembered the obvious fact she was still fully clothed and wearing boots. "I don't think I can sleep in these jeans, sorry."

"There's pyjamas in the bottom drawer. I need to go and tell Gina where the spare stuff is, she hasn't stayed over in a while. I'll be back" Olivia gave Amanda's lips a quick peck and stood to leave while Amanda went rooting for some pyjamas.

When she got to the living room with the linens she'd brought for the sofa bed she realised she'd just escorted a woman to her bedroom and there was no explanation. When she saw Gina feeding Jessy, Gina turned to her and smiled and she realised none was needed.

"She's really cute."  
"Jessy or Amanda?" Olivia joked.

"Both, in very different ways I hasten to add" They both laughed and Jessy waved a hand to indicate they were interrupting her final bottle of the day.

"Sorry to land this on you, I just didn't know what to do. There was a shooting… I couldn't let her go home, I couldn't let them be alone. I know they have each other but I just…"

"Liv, it's ok. We're ok."  
"It's new, it's not something… Why am I telling you this? You don't need to know"

Gina laughed and indicated her laptop on the table, which she'd been working on before they landed in on her.

"At least now I know why you've been smiling inanely. Type password 123 and unlock that."  
Olivia did as she was told; "You know you're a hackers dream right?"

"Yeah, there's nothing on there to steal, trust me. Use three fingers on the touchpad and swipe right."

Olivia took in the new wallpaper that appeared. Yosemite National Park filled the background, in the foreground was a smiling Gina sitting on a rock and standing behind her, a redhead with her arms wrapped around her shoulders, kissing her cheek.

"I've probably mentioned Jen once or twice, not so you'd notice, I've learned not to talk about her much."

"You two?"

Gina nodded. "3 years."

"Why did you never say?"  
"Well it never really came up during our conversations about sippy cups and safety gates." Both women laughed and Jessy grunted to remind them both she was still busy.  
"She's so like her mother it scares me. Never interrupt Amanda when she's eating, she's likely to bite you."  
"Noted" Gina said, checking how much of her bottle Jessy had left to finish off. "She's nearly done; I think we're safe to continue."

"So you're not out?"

"Not at home. My mates know of course and a couple of people in college. But we've talked before about my Mum and her ambitions to be the first female Pope you remember?"

"Yeah."  
"Doesn't really lend itself to that conversation."  
"You know if you ever need to talk I'm here right?"  
"Same goes."

Olivia smiled and stood slowly, closing the top of the laptop down.

"If you need us in the night you know where we are. The travel cot is in the cupboard beside Noah's room. Anything else, well just wake me."  
"We're fine Liv. I may not have any of my own but I managed to keep yours alive. You can tell Amanda she's in safe hands."  
"I will." Olivia turned back as she walked towards the bedroom. "Thanks Gina, for everything."

Gina waved Olivia off and returned to helping Jessy finish her bottle.

When Olivia arrived back to her room Amanda was wearing an oversized purple NYPD t-shirt and her black boy short panties.

"Are you trying to kill me?" Olivia asked as she began to pull on the pyjama bottoms she'd thrown on the floor that morning, discarding her shirt and leaving the tank top beneath it on.

"Me? Do you know what I just found in that drawer?"  
Olivia's face reddened as she remembered what was in the blue box in the right hand corner of her bottom drawer.

"Hey, they're…"  
"Something we can use some time?"

Olivia's jaw hit the floor and Amanda crossed the room to physically close it and kiss the brunette.

"I particularly like the purple one."  
Olivia finally found her voice; "If I knew you were this much of a tease…"

"You would have taken advantage a long time ago?"

Olivia smiled and guided the other woman to her bed, laying down and stroking the bare leg she rested across her pyjama clad one.

"No, I would have stopped being scared."  
Amanda inhaled sharply as Olivia's hand reached the top of her thigh.

"I know, I'm scared too, believe me."

"You know I can't imagine my life without you both in it. It's only been 2 months, but I can't imagine…"

Amanda leaned in and kissed her softly whispering against her lips. "I know; I fell the exact same. I was so scared that first night after I kissed you. so scared I nearly got on the next plane out of here. Now the thoughts of leaving you…"  
"The way I thought you left me today…"

"I am never going to leave you, I promise." Amanda gathered Olivia into her arms and held her against her kissing her temple as she stroked her back in the same way she had earlier, but slower this time.

"Get some sleep Liv. We're here we're safe."  
"Tonight was supposed to be about me reassuring you."  
"You've done that just by being here. It's all I needed. This…" squeezing her tightly for a moment to emphasise her point "…is all I need. Sleep well hon."  
"Night Mand."  
"Night gorgeous."

The emotion of the day had drained them both and they fell into a deep, undisturbed sleep.

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	9. Chapter 9

The small playground near Max's foster home was secluded and soft mats covered most of the spaces making it safe for any little one who tripped and fell. Max was sitting on a swing dragging the toes of his trainers through the wood shavings on the ground.

Amanda sat nearby with his foster Mum and Jessy. She wasn't on shift; the meeting was off the record, she just wanted to check how the little boy was.

"Has he said anything?"  
"He asked about his Mum once. It was quickly followed by 'How long is she gona spend in jail?' So I'm not sure what he knows really."

"Kids are sponges. They take in everything. Has he been talking with the psychologist?"  
"Still going once a week. He seems the exact same when he comes back but we don't know do we?"

"It's going to be a long road."

"How old is your little girl?" Jessy was in her stroller parked beside the table.

"8 months."

"Crawling?"  
"No, she seems to be determined to walk, hasn't tried crawling."

"One of mine tried that too. I spent so long in the ER they knew me by name when he came in. Take my advice nail everything to the ground, put up stair gates, even where you think you don't need them and grow eyes in the back of your head."

Amanda glanced at her sleeping daughter. She knew that no matter what Jessy put her through she would be there.

"Thanks for the advice."  
"So what can you tell me about what's happening?"  
"Well we raided his house after we found some indecent images of children on one of the hard-drives we found in the store. So far we can't say much more."  
"But Max probably ended up in one of those films? Is there anyone in custody? I mean I know Jones' is dead, it's all over the news. But is there anyone else that will pay for all the torment he's going through, apart from that woman I refuse to call his mother."

"We're trying to figure out the missing pieces at the moment. There is someone else but I'm afraid I can't discuss it with you at the moment."  
"That's ok, I understand. I just hope whoever hurt him rots in hell. He's such a good kid, he asks for nothing. And I don't know if that's cause he's too scared to ask or whether he really is just quiet you know?"

Amanda nodded. "Can you watch her for a second?" Amanda indicated the stroller.

"Of course."  
"Thanks."

Amanda walked over to the swing set and sat on the other swing beside Max's.

"Hey."  
"Hi." The quiet reply was barely audible and Amanda's heart broke a little bit.

"How are things in the house? Are the other kids nice?"  
The shrug of small shoulders was almost imperceptible.

"Do you feel safe there Max?"  
He shrugged again "Suppose."  
"You know if there's ever a time when you don't feel safe, you speak up and you'll be listened to straight away."  
"I tried."  
"What?" Amanda tried not to let the shock sound in her voice.

"I told Sophia about what she was doing… about the men. She told me not to be silly."  
"Sweetie, who is Sophia?" Amanda thought she'd done all the research she could into this child's life and it was a name she had never come across.

"Mommy's friend from work."  
"Ok. Max do you know Sophia's second name?"  
"No." His tone was sad, defeated, like he'd let Amanda down by not being able to provide her with the information.

"That's fine buddy. We'll find her. Do you need anything else?"  
Max shook his head and she handed him her card for what must have been the fifth time. She noticed the last time she handed it to him, it caused a small smile to appear on his usually downturned lips.

"Just in case you lost the last one, and you know to ring me any time ok?"

A fleeting smile of appreciation and a head nod told Amanda that trust was gradually building between her and the young boy. It was going to be slow going and normally when a case was over she walked away, in so far as she could, for the sake of her own sanity. In this case she'd talked to Olivia and they'd agreed that the relationship she had built up with Max would be important for the months ahead as the case came to trial and he needed to be shielded from any further threats or suffering. She had spoken to Kelly and they agreed that they would meet when needed to discuss his progress and address any issues.

Returning to Kelly and Jessy, Amanda slipped her bag across her body and pulled the hood up on the pram.

"He keeps those cards you know. Stores them up. He has one hidden in his backpack for school, one under his pillow and a few others stored away for safe keeping."

"I'm glad he feels like he can talk to me. He needs to feel like someone is on his side."  
"I'll do my best to protect him but it's going to be a long time before he trusts anyone again."

"I'll do anything I can to help, just call, any time. I've said the same to Max, just pick up the phone."

Kelly stood and hugged the detective. "Thank you Amanda. I've seen some of the kids in my care with a real hatred for the cops, and with good reason, because they've never been given a fair break. I'm glad to see there's still a few good ones among you.

Amanda smiled and bid farewell to them both, wrapping her jacket around her tightly. Jessy was fast asleep thanks to the walk in the fresh air so Amanda decided to take some time for herself and have a coffee while the little girl napped.

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Olivia had arrived home to Gina cooking dinner and did a double take. "You know that cooking dinner isn't part of your job description right? Are you looking for a raise?"

Gina chuckled and turned the gas down on the stove joining Olivia in the living room.

"No, I just figured you might want to go and spend a few hours with Amanda. I wasn't technically cooking for you; it was actually for me. I've a few more hours of study to do so it's win/win really. You get to see your… what are we calling her?"

Olivia blushed.

"Ok we haven't had that discussion yet I see. So you get to see Amanda and I get a quiet place to study in. Take it from someone doing the whole long distance thing, spend as much time with her as you can."

Olivia nodded and headed down the hallway and stuck her head into Noah's room to say goodnight. She knew he was asleep but she always needed to see for herself that he was ok. Walking back up the hall she pulled her coat back on.

"I'll be back by 10:30."

"Take your time, honestly I've a ton of revision to do before the exams. See you later."  
"OK, thanks Gina, bye."

Olivia had her phone in her hand and was already texting Amanda when she was getting into the elevator of her building. She felt like a bold kid going out on a school night but she was also excited at the thought of spending a few hours with the detective.

She had woken up that morning with an arm wrapped around her middle, a hand resting on her heart and soft breaths warming her neck. She lay there willing the alarm not to go off. She had forgotten the last time she woke up feeling so safe and happy. Turning in the blonde's arms she had watched her sleep for a few minutes before kissing her forehead. She got up to make coffee but there was already a fresh pot made by Gina who was sitting in the living room with both kids watching cartoons. Bringing two mugs back to bed she reluctantly woke the slumbering woman as she knew they'd be late by the time everyone was ready if she didn't.

"Hey"  
"Ugh, what time is it?"  
"7."  
"a.m?"  
Olivia laughed "Yes 7 a.m. Come on, up you get, I have coffee."

"Ok but only cause you brought coffee."  
"I'll remember that for future reference."  
"So I get to stay again?"  
"If you're good."  
"What if I'm not?"  
"Then you can stay over more often."

Amanda leaned up on her elbows and kissed the bringer of coffee reaching for the mug at the same time.

"You just want me for my coffee."

Amanda giggled and Olivia could still hear it now in her head as she sat in the back of the taxi willing the traffic to move faster.

When she knocked on the front door of Amanda's apartment she was full of nervous energy, and she wasn't sure why.

"Hey." Amanda smiled and opened the door wide to let her in. Olivia brushed past her and placed a kiss on her cheek as she walked by.

"Jessy asleep?"  
"Yeah, just went down fifteen minutes ago. I'm making some noodles and there's beer somewhere if you want one?"  
"Noodles would be good. I'll pass on the beer. I've a meeting with One PP first thing."  
"Noodles coming up."

Olivia followed Amanda into the small kitchenette and stood behind her wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing her neck.

"I'm sorry, did you want to eat or make out?"  
"Hmm…" Olivia continued nuzzling the blonde's neck, peppering her neck and shoulder with kisses. "I'm not sure…"

Amanda laughed as the hands resting on her stomach started to sneak under her shirt and tickle her tummy.

"Seriously Lieutenant I'm going to burn myself making you food you don't want if you don't stop that."

Amanda's laugh turned into a low moan when one of the hands tickling her moved lower, popping the button on her jeans and slipping inside the top, stroking the skin just above her underwear. She relaxed against the body holding her.

"I changed my mind, I don't want noodles" Olivia whispered.

Amanda turned in her arms with such force that the hand that had been teasing her shot out to grab the countertop to help Olivia keep her balance. The ferociousness of the kiss that ensued made her glad she had something to hold onto. Amanda's lips were devouring her, her tongue dancing with hers, her hands moving to touch various parts of Olivia's body, each new resting point causing a small moan as Amanda massaged the skin where she stopped.

Eventually when standing was no longer an option because her legs were too weak, Olivia took the blondes hand and lead her to the sofa, where she sat down with the smaller woman promptly straddling her lap kissing her deeply, her hands clasped at the base of Olivia's neck.

Leaning her forehead against Olivia's after taking a moment to breathe deeply, Amanda spoke for the first time in what felt like half an hour.

"I didn't want our first time to be a quick fuck Liv, but honestly I'm not sure I can wait much longer."

"I know" was all Olivia could manage in hoarse response.

"I've been dreaming about what it would be like to touch you, to watch you come, while I…" Amanda groaned in frustration. "Ok I can't keep talking about this. We either keep this up and I take you right here, right now like I've imagined it every time I've touched myself since that first kiss. Or you book a hotel this weekend, I book a sitter and we get out of this city before homicide get to the deal with their first case of human self-combustion.

Olivia thought better of laughing after the glare she got.

"We'll sort it, I promise. I want it to be special too, otherwise I would have just worn a trench coat over here tonight with nothing underneath."

"Honestly, you are trying to kill me aren't you?"

Olivia did laugh this time. "Yes I am." She moved Amanda so she was sitting in her lap as opposed to astride it and wrapped her into her arms stroking her arm.

"I know how frustrating this is, trust me I do. My libido has taken on a life of its own. I haven't been this horny since I was in my early twenties.

"Have you been… taking care of it, so to speak? I know there was that time on the phone but…"  
"Once or twice I've had no choice. I woke up so wet one morning I was aching. That's never happened before. I was having the most amazing dream and then I woke up and realised it wasn't real. I had to do something or else I wouldn't have been able to concentrate all day."

"I'm going to grab my tablet and we're going to book a hotel so we can end this torture." Amanda reluctantly moved out of the arms holding her and went in search of the small gadget so they could put a plan in place.

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 **A/N I have 2 or 3 chapters left to finish this and one of them will be dedicated solely to that hotel visit ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

"I don't want to but it has to be done, he's starting to pull at it and he wanted pigtails yesterday. I'm not ready for pigtails."

Amanda laughed as Olivia tried to justify to herself, for the fourth time that morning, getting Noah's hair cut.

"He'd rock pigtails! Liv, they'll do what you ask for, they're not going to shave his head."

Olivia shuddered at the thought of her little boy with a buzz cut.

"I'll get it done Saturday."  
"Ahem…"

"On second thoughts, not Saturday, I think I have something planned Saturday."  
Olivia laughed at the slap to the back of the head the blonde gave her.

"Yes you have plans." Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist and kissed her. They lingered, neither wanting to face the day that was awaiting them once they left the safety of Olivia's apartment. Amanda's head rested against her chest as she felt fingers stroke through her hair. "I know; I don't want to go out there either. The sooner it starts the sooner it's over though."

Gina handed them both travel mugs of coffee and shooshed them out the door, thereby breaking the invisible hold and rendering their stalling tactics useless. She was taking care of Jessy for a couple of days in Olivia's apartment with Noah, so the little girl could get used to her and therefore negate the need for any panicked phone calls from Amanda, when she spent her first night away from her daughter. They both left with a brief wave to their children, both of whom were too engrossed in making noise with various toys to care.

"Do you ever get the feeling we're not needed?"  
Olivia laughed as she linked her arm through the other woman's walking down the corridor.

"If they could reach the door and use the phone to order food we probably wouldn't be."

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Max sat in the observation room, this time managing to sit on a chair at the table with a small smile on his face as Amanda told him a joke about baseball. Olivia watched the scene from the two-way mirror and marvelled at the trust Amanda had built up with the young boy. She had learned over the years that some cases just got to you. You could try and remain removed, try and shut down your feelings. But with some cases it simply wasn't possible. They tried to keep work out of their discussions in the evenings they spent together but Max's case had been a topic for discussion on more than one occasion. Amanda held his hand as he talked again about Sophia, the woman who was now in their custody. The woman they now knew was in on the horrific act of Sarah Curtis selling her son to the highest bidder. The woman they now knew provided the transport and organised the payments. She was also the one who knew those who could take care of the trouble makers given her criminal affiliations. She had no record, which was why they were finding it difficult to pin anything on her. She was guilty of plenty by association but her hands had stayed clean. So much as it pained Olivia, Max's testimony was now going to be required to ensure that both his mother and her evil accomplice were sent away for a very long time.

Amanda was talking the little boy through what would be required of him for the court proceedings, explaining that he would not need to be in the court room; instead the judge would speak to him via a video link.

"Like Facetime?" he enquired.

"Exactly. Hey, you want to show me how to use that some time?"

Olivia smiled at the obvious attempt to build the little boys confidence. She'd Facetimed with Amanda on more than a dozen occasions and it was Amanda who had taught her to use a couple of the features. The way Max's face lit up when he thought he could teach an adult something made the little white lie totally worth it.

Amanda and Max remained in the room for another twenty minutes while Olivia completed some paperwork and talked to Kelly Regan about what was next for Max. His foster family were trying to protect him from the media attention the case was gathering but Kelly explained he had already been taunted by two older pupils in his school. The principal was going to call a special assembly to discuss issues around bullying to make it clear it would not be tolerated. Parents had been contacted to be made aware of the situation and they were operating an open door policy for them to come and discuss any concerns they may have.

"I think they're doing all they can but I just dread sending him there every morning."

Olivia nodded sympathetically, unable to imagine how difficult it must be for her to wait for Max to come home every day and see if he'd had any more mental torture inflicted upon him in his short life.

"If you want I can go over there and have a talk with the principal. See if there's anything else we can do?"  
"I said it to Detective Rollins the last day when we met Lieutenant, but I'll say it to you again, you guys have really restored my faith in the NYPD."

"Thank you. That means a lot."  
"I'll text Detective Rollins' Principal Byrd's phone number when we get home and maybe you can arrange to meet up?"  
"That sounds like a plan."

The door to Olivia's office opened behind them and Amanda and Max walked over to Amanda's desk where Kelly and Olivia were seated waiting for them.

"Hey big guy, you ready for some ice-cream?" Max nodded enthusiastically as Kelly took his hand.

"I'll send on that number later Lieutenant."

"Thanks Kelly."  
"I wish ice-cream cured all of the world's problems."

Olivia placed a hand on Amanda's lower back and rubbed gently for a moment. "Me too".

Amanda felt lost as the hand withdrew and Olivia walked away.

She sat down at her desk and sighed, smiling as she caught sight of the picture of Jessy on her desk. She picked it up and stroked the glass, wishing she could hold her just for a minute. She sent Gina a text and had just started on a file when she received a picture message. She laughed at the image that popped up. Noah's hair was in pigtails and Jessy was applying bright pink lip gloss, not quite on his lips but it was an admirable attempt. She forwarded it to Olivia's phone with the title "Book that hair cut now!"

She heard the laugh from Olivia's office and returned to her paperwork, happy they were both in a better frame of mind.

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Felix sat in the interview room hands clasped, eyes fixed on the scratched surface of the table that had had many tears spilled on it. He had come in voluntarily and neither Amanda or Olivia could figure out why. He had no legal counsel which surprised them both.

"So why are we here Felix?" Olivia's tone was curt.

"I was 5, it was my uncle, Luca. He… he did stuff, he… hurt me… all the time"

The look that passed between the two women was practiced and Olivia nodded, knowing that it was her cue to take the lead. Sitting beside the blonde she lowered her voice.

"What happened Felix?"

The young man swatted at his eyes, trying to distract from the tears that had formed.

"He's dead, long dead. I spit on his grave when they all left, said I wanted to say goodbye on my own."

Felix took a deep breath and raised his head, his eyes meeting Amanda's.

"The kid, Max. He knew me?"

Both women nodded.

"I was in his house."

"Max's?"

"No that pervert, Jones."

"Stephen Jones?" Olivia asked for clarity.

"Yeah, he paid me for all kinds of stuff. Sent his wife off to the spa for a few days then bought whatever he needed for his sick parties. He was into all sorts. He liked my movies, got in contact with my agent. Look I have a kid to feed, my Mom has dementia, I needed the money. He offered me thousands."

"For what?" Olivia asked, scared she already knew the answer"

"I never had sex with him if that's what you think. I wasn't his type. He preferred them…" Felix choked on the next word "younger". There was silence for a moment.

Eventually Olivia saying Felix's name broke the quiet and the young man's gaze moved from Amanda to her.

"Max?"

Felix nodded as tears fell more freely.

"I used to do live shows, me and a few of the guys from the films. Every month, I'd get a text with a time and a password. I knew that was him telling me to turn up. I texted a few of the others and we turned up, did what he wanted, got paid and left."

"And Max?"  
"He was there once or twice when we were performing; I guess he heard me… I was in a club last night, this guy who used to know that disgusting bitch that calls herself his mother; well he used to date her, was telling me the story, knew about the kid freaking out outside the store that day cause he owns the gym across from Jones's store, went to go after the kid but then saw a young boy chasing him, figured he was safe. Didn't see anything else but heard store owners were handing in CCTV, said he handed his in but didn't hear anything back."

"Felix, are you willing to testify in court that you saw Max at Stephen Jones's house?"  
Felix nodded and the tears began to subside. "I only wish I'd said something before now. If it was my Maddie, I'd have killed the bastard. I… I'll do anything to help."

Amanda reached across the table and squeezed Felix's hand "You've done a lot today, there's more but we can talk about that in time."

Felix squeezed the hand holding his "I'll do all I can."

Amanda and Olivia left the interview room feeling like a weight had been lifted.

"I'm going to ring Kelly and tell her the good news. With Felix we won't need Max to testify right?" Amanda asked. She knew the answer but she wanted to hear it from Olivia.

"We shouldn't. But be careful Mand, you know how this goes, he's not a reluctant witness but he's skittish and he's withheld this until now. Be careful."  
Amanda stalled as they walked into the squad room. "You think he's going to bolt?"

"No, I think he's just disclosed, maybe for the first time, a lot of things he may never have told anyone before. He's vulnerable, he's scared and he's a victim too."  
"Fuck…" Amanda muttered. "I forgot. I didn't forget I just…"

Olivia reached out and squeezed her hand "You will get things right for Max Mand, I know you will. There are just a lot of plates spinning right now and we have to make sure none of them fall."

"Can we go home?"  
"I have a conference call in ten minutes. It should take about an hour. I'll be right behind you."

"Can we have pizza?" Olivia laughed at the pleading look on the blonde's face.

"Only because I know you've had a tough day"

Amanda placed a quick kiss on Olivia's cheek after checking there was no-one looking.

"Can we cuddle."

"You're pushing your luck detective."

Amanda laughed and parted ways with Olivia who walked reluctantly to her office, wishing she was instead following the blonde out the door and home. "Our home." she said quietly to herself. Then she mentally reprimanded herself. They hadn't even slept together and yet it felt like their home, felt right to have Amanda and Jessy there. Olivia shook her head at the absurdity of her train of thought. It scared her, but a small part of her was also excited. She tried to focus herself for the call, getting a glass of water and sitting down in front of the screen, ringing in to the call and waiting for others to join. Her mind flitted back to Noah, Amanda and Jessy waiting for her at home and she wished more than anything she could skip out on the call. She heard her name through the computer speakers; 'too late' she thought. The Chief began to speak and Olivia settled in for an hour of bureaucracy and back slapping.

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The scene that greeted her when she walked through the door made the horrors of the day fade. Gina was getting ready to leave and Jessy was sitting on the floor holding onto her ankle.

"Seems someone has taken quite a shine to you?" Olivia laughed as the little girl grabbed tighter."  
"She has a vice like grip. She got a bit of my hair earlier when I was playing with both of them. I was pretty sure I was going to need a trip to a salon to even out both sides where she'd ripped a handful out."  
"Sorry about that." Amanda piped up from the floor where she was lying flat, Noah sitting beside her, playing drums on her stomach with two empty water bottles.

"Pretty sure you couldn't stop her even if you wanted to Amanda, she's got an iron will."  
"Take after her Momma so." Olivia winked at the woman on the ground who scowled in return.

Olivia discarded her coat and bag and lifted the small girl from the floor, ignoring the protest that started when she had to let go of Gina's leg.

"Thanks for that, I was worried I was going to have to take her out with Jen and I for the night."

"Jen is here?"  
"She's in town for a conference, just for the next 2 days. She's going home Friday."

"Go, get out of here. Why are you still here, why didn't you ask for time off? Get out of here." Amanda admonished from the floor. Olivia had asked Gina if it was ok to discuss her relationship with Jen with her and Gina had given her the go ahead. She knew both these women and trusted them both implicitly.

"I'm going, I'm going, gees she's pushy!" Gina mocked and Amanda scowled once again.

"What is this, pick on Amanda evening?"  
Both women laughed as Gina grabbed her rucksack and hoodie and bid them all good night.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"Hey Gina, the boss has said I can come in late so 10 a.m. good for you?"  
Gina's eyes lit up.

"You sure?" She looked to Olivia for the answer knowing it was ultimately her decision even if it was Amanda offering.

"Yes, enjoy your evening."

"Gina's smile took over her whole face as she embraced the brunette quickly.

"See you tomorrow", she was out the door followed by a chorus of "Bye's" from all four of them.

"Pizza?"

"Sure let me put these two down. Do you want to order?"  
"Pepperoni?"

"Aww, you're very sweet but I know you hate it."

"Oh we're getting two pizzas, separate boxes, no way I'm having the smell of pepperoni on mine, even half and half"

Amanda laughed as she took her daughter from Olivia and called to Noah that it was bed time. Olivia was amazed by way her son simply followed Amanda down the hall to his room. He was currently sharing it with Jessy, the travel cot set up in the corner beside his bed. He enjoyed having Jessy there and had asked Olivia if they could keep her last week. Olivia explained that they'd have to keep Amanda too. She asked was that ok and the little boy nodded enthusiastically. "Keep them both" he said with a big grin.

Olivia smiled at the thought of it now as she watched Amanda from the door of Noah's room putting Jessy down before helping Noah into his pyjamas, helping to brush his teeth and then reading him a story as he fell asleep.

The pizza had arrived while Amanda was finishing up the story of the Vikings and their voyage. She could smell it from the room and was grateful that Noah wasn't in the mood for fighting sleep as she was starving.

"Yours is in the oven."  
"Keeping it far away from yours in case the smell carries huh?" Amanda laughed as she grabbed a soda from the refrigerator.

"I don't know how you eat that stuff, but don't ever expect me to."

Amanda was too hungry to argue the finer points of pepperoni in that moment, but filed it under 'things to discuss further'. She moaned as she savoured the first bite.

"I was so hungry my stomach thought my throat had been cut."  
Olivia cast a sideways look at the other woman that simply said 'WTF?  
"Sorry another one of those weird phrases you only hear in my neck of the woods".

"I love those little quirks you have, the weird stuff you say… I…"

Olivia realised she'd just said the L Word. But had she? No she reasoned she hadn't. And it didn't seem to have registered with Amanda; or she wasn't showing it.

"Care to relocate to the couch?"  
"If I get pepperoni on your couch cushions am I gona have to pay for the deep clean?"  
"Yes?"  
"Ok I'll sit on the floor."

Olivia laughed as Amanda did exactly that. She sat beside her and they finished their pizza listening to Coldplay and trying to stay awake to enjoy their evening. But the day had taken its toll emotionally. After the third yawn from Amanda Olivia reached for hand and threw the pizza boxes on the table.

"You'll regret leaving that mess for the morning." Amanda reasoned as they walked towards the bedroom.  
"It's ok, I remember you saying something about having a late morning."  
Amanda slapped her shoulder as Olivia ducked into the bedroom ahead of her, giggling as the blonde lunged at her, landing them on the bed, Amanda resting on top of her.

"Can we just stay like this? I don't have the energy to move any further?" Amanda claimed soft lips in a kiss that made her feel light headed.

"God I can't wait to have you all to myself this weekend," she whispered against Olivia's lips.

"Me either."

"Right now however, there's something digging into my back so I'm afraid you're going to have to move, much as I hate to disturb you."

Amanda rolled off the taller woman and Olivia reached behind her to locate Amanda's pyjama's rolled in a ball.

She smiled as she handed them to the woman beside her. She liked that Amanda's pyjamas were in her bed, she liked it even more that Amanda was in her bed. The blonde undressed slowly and Olivia caught a glimpse of what her weekend promised. The feeling of arousal it stirred, deep in her stomach caused her to turn away before she acted on it.

"You ok?"  
"Uh-huh" Olivia said quietly from the other side of the bed. Amanda curled behind her as Olivia discarded her boots and shirt, slipping under the covers in her tank top and boy shorts.

"You sure." Amanda curled into her back and stroked up and down her arm.

"You're killing me Rollins." Olivia turned and kissed the blonde deeply.

"I want you so badly but I know if I start now I'm not going to want to stop and I'll have to and then I'll be a horrible person to be around tomorrow, and that's not fair on anyone. But having you half naked in such close proximity a minute ago almost caused me to renege on my promise to wait until I had you fully to myself."  
"Liked what you saw did you Lieutenant?"  
"You have no idea."  
Amanda smiled into another kiss and stroked Olivia's back the way she knew made her sleepy.

"I have some idea, trust me. You got out of the shower last night and were wearing that black camisole and those tight black jeans. Gina actually caught me cruising you and laughed at me."

"That's what that was about?"

Amanda nodded embarrassed.

"Well I'm glad we're both in a permanent state of arousal." Amanda's stroking was having the desired affect and Olivia's eyes were fluttering shut.

"Sleepy" she whispered.

"Sleep well hon."

"You too."

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	11. Chapter 11

Sitting at the poolside, legs swishing through the water, Amanda looked at her reflection on the surface as it rippled She'd taken a few months to get back to running after Jessy was born; after the massive blood loss her doctor advised she rest for a number of weeks. When she began again she felt that freedom that reminded her why she had taken it up in the first place. Some mornings she'd take Jessy in her stroller when they'd had a bad night. Running was her escape. It had been the reason she had taken it up in the first place; to escape. The time when she couldn't run after Jessy was born left her feeling depressed. Running cleared her head and made the day easier to face.

She smiled at her reflection in the rippling water. It also had the benefit of toning her body but that wasn't why she was smiling. She was smiling because as she walked by the full-length mirror in their hotel room she caught sight of the look of desire in the hazel eyes taking in her whole body. It took every ounce of willpower she had to walk out of the room. The water cooled the warm feeling spreading in her lower belly as she lowered herself into the pool and began to swim the first of twenty laps to distract herself.

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Olivia crossed and uncrossed her legs as she lay on top of the freshly made bed. She tried to concentrate on the current affairs program on the 50-inch flat screen TV mounted on the wall in their hotel suite. The commentator was talking about something to do with financial arrears but Olivia wasn't paying attention to any of it. Her memory kept flashing back to Amanda walking around the room in a black halter neck bikini. Her toned legs, her hips, her ass - Olivia groaned and crossed her legs. Her whole body was tense and she knew a few strokes from her own fingers would push her over the edge. But she didn't want that. She wanted Amanda; her fingers, her mouth… Olivia's imagination went into overdrive for what felt like the hundredth time that day. She moved from the bed to the chaise lounge by the window overlooking Central Park. Amanda had wanted to go further afield for their weekend away but Olivia knew that the younger detective was putting on a brave face and the closer they stayed to home the more relaxed she would be about her first weekend away from her little girl.

Her attention was brought back to the present with sound of the door opening. Amanda entered wrapped in a robe but there was no hiding the shape of the body beneath. Olivia's eyes scanned the form and rested on the smile that was all for her.

"How was the pool?"  
"Wet."

Olivia laughed but as Amanda shrugged out of the robe the laugh turned into a groan.

"I'm going to take a shower, wash the chlorine off."

Olivia nodded unable verbalise an answer. She heard the shower and imagined Amanda discarding the skimpy bikini on the floor. She returned her gaze to the street outside hoping that some people watching would take her mind off the naked woman only a short distance from where she sat. She crossed and uncrossed her legs again thanking God she'd brought a dress to wear for dinner that night. She didn't wear them often but tonight was special and she wanted to look good. She laughed at herself as she took the garment from her wardrobe the week before and held it up to her body. It was a form hugging number with a slightly revealing neckline and a small split at the leg, affording what Olivia considered a slightly teasing view of what was on offer. She laughed again at where her thoughts were taking her. She felt like she was 18 years old again, going on her first date. This was the magic of being with Amanda; it was all new but it was also all familiar. She felt like they'd been together forever even though it had only been two months. She made her feel things she'd never felt before with any lover, and that was before they'd even made love.

Her focus returned to the room as she heard the bathroom door open. Amanda emerged in a silk black robe and although it wasn't quite see through, it's texture did afford Olivia the knowledge that the blonde was wearing nothing underneath it.

"Rollins are you trying to kill me?"  
Amanda's innocent smile set her blue eyes twinkling as she walked over to the chaise lounge and leaned in for a kiss. "What if I am?" she whispered against the soft shell of the ear of the woman below her.

"It's working," was all Olivia could manage to get out before the other woman straddled her waist and leaned in for another kiss, this one more insistent than the last. Olivia was the first to pull away seeking a look into the blue eyes that always closed as they kissed.

"I want you so badly it scares me Mand."

Amanda rested her forehead against the brunette's and spoke quietly. "Why would you be scared?"  
"Because I've never felt this before. I've never wanted to be with someone so much that it takes over most of my waking moments and a lot of my sleeping ones too."

Amanda smiled and placed a gentle kiss on soft pink lips.

"Mine too."  
"I'm scared I'm going to hurt you," Olivia admitted, the fear seeping through her words.

"Hurt me how?"  
"I don't know… And that's the problem. I don't… I just don't know."  
Amanda sat up and curled herself into Olivia's body, stroking her hair.

"Tell me what you're thinking. Maybe I can help."  
"Jessy… was she… is she…"

"She's Murphy's Liv."  
"Murphy? As in Declan Murphy?"  
"Yeah. She wasn't the product of anything forced on me if that's what you're worrying about. We weren't dating or anything, it was just one long bleak night. The power was out; we were drinking and one thing lead to another. And well nine months later she was here. I never for a second regretted it but Declan and I were never going to be anything other than friends. That night we needed comfort and we found it. He's real good with sending stuff for her and I send messages and pictures to let him know how she is. But that's all it'll ever be."

Olivia had become very quiet and Amanda was worried she'd upset her with her confession.

"Liv?" she said after the silence had become too deafening.

"Now I'm even more scared."

Amanda sat up slightly so she could look at the woman in her arms.

"What is it? What are you scared of?"  
"That I'm another person in your life who is a figure of authority, who looks like they're taking advantage of you."  
Multiple emotions flooded Amanda all at once. Anger that Olivia thought she was taking advantage of her and that she was just another authority figure in her life out to get something. Worry that Olivia was still scared. And relief that she'd finally told her about Jessy. Overwhelming these emotions was love however. Love for this strong, thoughtful, funny, caring woman who wanted to be with her, to be in her and her daughter's lives.

"Liv you could never take advantage of me. What happened with Declan, that was a one-night stand. With Patton… we both know that wasn't consensual. With you, every touch, every kiss, every caress is welcomed and accepted freely. I've never once, not ever, thought of you touching me as something I didn't want."  
"You'd tell me if it ever gets that way, right?"  
"Of course. It'll never happen, but I will."  
"I just want us to be honest with one another."

"Always. Speaking of honesty… I'm scared too." Amanda admitted.  
"Of what?"  
"Of being absolutely awful at this whole thing."  
"Whole thing?"  
Amanda was quiet for a moment and it dawned on Olivia what she meant.

"You mean sex?"  
Amanda cleared her throat and muttered "uh-huh"

"Me too. I'm terrified."

They both laughed and it eased some of the tension but it was clear more needed to be said.

"I read some stuff online, watched Orange is the New Black and bits of the L Word," Olivia admitted. "I still don't know what the hell I'm doing though."  
Amanda chuckled as she kissed the side of Olivia's head. "And you think I do? Hell, I've been reading stuff too and I watched something called 'Blue is the Warmest Colour", which let me tell you is not for the faint hearted. I figured though, that I know what feels good for me. I know what I like. And I also figured that maybe we could talk about what you like, how you make yourself feel good, and we go from there?"  
"I hope you weren't planning on having this conversation over dinner because I'm pretty sure I'd choke on my starter if we started discussing what I like to do in bed in a packed dining room.

"We're safe in that regard."  
"What?"

"Later; you remember that was the one bit of this you let me plan?" Amanda let Olivia organise everything, she knew the Lieutenant liked to plan. However, she made one proviso and that was that she could pick where they went for dinner.

"Ok but you know I'm really bad with surprises, right?"  
"Yes I remember the birthday cake. Just don't pull your gun on me ok?" Olivia grimaced as she remembered switching off the light in her office and turning to exit the squad room only to have Amaro, Rollins and Fin jump out from behind the break room wall with a cake for her last birthday. She almost pulled her gun on them because she thought the place was empty. No one had tried to surprise her since.

"I promise I won't."

Amanda settled back into the position where she was resting into the curve of Olivia's body as she began to stroke soft silky hair again.

"Less scared now?" she asked, hoping the answer was yes.

"Yes and no. But I trust you and I know it'll be ok."  
"That's all I can ask sweets." Amanda stroked Olivia's back and felt her sigh deeply against her neck. It had been a late night with Jessy and an early morning with Noah so she decided it would be a good idea for them to rest now. She fell asleep with a smile on her face.

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Olivia's eyes were glued to the black material clinging to the shapely ass of the woman turning to check her reflection in the mirror. A leather jacket was the finishing touch to her outfit and when the blonde turned to look at her date her smile lit up her whole face. Olivia was sitting on the end of the bed in her royal blue dress, legs crossed at the ankle, arms stretched out behind her on the bed with hands holding her up so she could watch the beautiful woman in front of her and remember that she had the pleasure of her company for the whole night.

"You look amazing," Olivia's voice was low and full of awe. "I think I might just be the luckiest person alive right now."

Amanda blushed as Olivia stood to meet her in the middle of the room. Wrapping her arms around the smaller woman's slender waist Olivia kissed her deeply.

"If you keep doing that we're never going to make it to dinner." Olivia chuckled as she stole another small kiss.

"I can't promise anything. Leather jackets have always been my weakness"

"Maybe I'll leave it on all night"

"If it's all you're wearing later I won't object either".

The look of shock on the detective's face made her lieutenant smile. It was fleeting however, replaced by one of desire and mischief. "It might be a bit hot for what I have in mind later." Amanda reached for one of the hands resting on her hip and lead Olivia reluctantly out the door; "We're going to leave this room now because if we don't we won't be eating today or possibly tomorrow."

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Walking hand in hand out of the restaurant the soft Southern accent of Billy the owner echoed "Goodnight" as both women waved.

"That was the best food I've had in a very long time." Olivia pulled Amanda to her side and linked their arms. "You need to get the recipe for that satay sauce, it is amazing."

They had sat right beside the kitchen door, the smells wafting by making their mouths water.

"Billy never gives away his recipes. Believe me I've tried. I threatened to arrest him once but he knew I had nothing on him."

Olivia laughed as she thought about Amanda trying to arrest Billy who was easily 280lbs and well over six foot tall. It would have been an interesting take down.

"What's so funny? You think I couldn't take him?"

"Oh no, I think you could; I know you could. I'm just not sure how you'd justify the arrest?"  
"I'd think of something."

"I don't doubt it for a second. I've seen your paperwork. You have a real talent for the art of making things up!"

"Oi" Amanda slapped the hand resting on her arm. "It's not making it up, it's being inventive with the truth."  
"The difference?"  
"I'll get back to you."

They walked in the darkness, comfortable in the silence between them, listening to the noises of the city around them, both always aware of their surroundings, unable to switch cop mode off in that regard.

"What are you thinking about?" Amanda asks quietly after a few blocks?

"The truth?"  
"Naw, I want you to come up with something totally unbelievable!"  
"You might not believe me anyway."  
"You're getting very cryptic Liv, come on what's up, what's going on in that head of yours?"

"That this is all a dream and I'm gona wake up tomorrow morning and you'll have realised what a hideous mistake you've made and you'll either be on the next plane out of here or transferring to a different department."  
"You're insane you know that right?"  
"Yes."

Amanda stopped dead, not caring if people needed to pass, the need to look Olivia in the eye far more important. Turning she took Olivia's face in her hands.

"Why would I be gone?"

"Because that's just what happens."  
"I am not going to leave you."  
"I'm sorry I'm just nervous and when I get nervous I overthink everything."

The hotel was in sight as Amanda offered her reassurance. "That's not a bad thing in our line of work. But this isn't work, this is your life, yours and mine. And you can overthink it but I'd like to help you forget about everything but you for a little bit for a while if you'll let me?"

Olivia nodded imperceptibly and leaned in for a gentle kiss, feeling one hand move from the side of her face to intertwine with her own fingers. Giving her hand a gentle tug Amanda moved forward, bringing Olivia with her the final 100 metres to the hotel. The receptionist smiled as they walked in and Amanda caught the longing stare she gave her girlfriend. A small flare of jealousy rose inside her and she placed her hand on the brunette's lower back glaring back at the young woman and noticing her turn her gaze back to her computer. The elevator ride was full of nervous energy and when they reached the room both women were silent. Amanda's giggling broke the silence.

"I feel like I'm 15 again."

"14"

"Why are my hands shaking?"

Olivia closed the small gap between them and took the trembling hands placing them in the centre of her chest.

"I feel like my heart is about to beat out of my chest I'm so nervous."

Amanda leaned in for a kiss. It was gentle and slow, and the longer it lasted the quicker the heartbeat beneath her fingers became.

"Well I don't think this is gona help" – the words were spoken into the soft skin of Olivia's cheek.

"Nothing is going to help except getting you out of that dress." There was a small gasp from the blonde as Olivia slipped her hands inside her leather jacket, helping her to shrug it off while simultaneously kissing her and moving her towards the nearest solid object, the wall behind them. Bodies collided as the smaller woman's body stopped first, the impact lessened by the fact Olivia's arms were now around her waist, cushioning her from the full force of hitting the wall. The kiss continued as Olivia found the zip on the back of the dress Amanda was wearing. She swore as she tried to get it open and Amanda bit her lip to stop herself from giggling again. It did nothing to dampen the heat of the moment in any way because the second the zip was open Olivia pushed the dress off Amanda's shoulders revealing the black satin bra and matching panties that she had carefully picked out in a lingerie store over a week before. Amanda bit her lip again but this time it was to stop from crying out as Olivia's finger moved over her abs, one moving higher to play with her left breast the other moving lower to gently stroke her through her underwear. Lips were kissing her pulse point and the detective was at the point of sensory overload when she felt cold air where Olivia's lips had been as brown eyes found blue.

"What's wrong?"

"Wrong?"  
"Your body just did something."

"Sorry, I was… it was nothing."  
"Baby you need to tell me. In case we didn't already establish this, I worry."

Amanda smiled the cupped the concern filled face in front of her, holding eye contact.

"I was thinking and feeling and everything else all in one go. It just got too much."  
Olivia nodded. she knew that feeling all too well.

She moved away from the wall bringing Amanda with her and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm not very good at any of this Rollins."  
"You weren't doing too bad twenty seconds ago Liv."

Olivia smiled and kissed the blonde head that was now resting in her lap. Amanda curled into a ball beside her and Olivia's hands stroked her bare side.

"By the way you're wearing far too many clothes Seargent."

Olivia laughed and stood, discarding her dress on the chaise lounge and coming back to sit on the bed, taking Amanda's head into her lap again.

"I don't know how I saw this going. I don't know what you wanted. Hell, I don't know what I wanted."  
"That was a good start Liv. I'm so wet."

"I took it too far, I always do. I just don't know when to stop."  
"I think if there was a prize for that my love, you'd come a very distant second to me."

Olivia began to move up the bed and Amanda crawled up beside her. They lay side by side, stroking bare skin, breathing deeply, neither sure what came next.

"When we've had phone sex, sexted and all that what have you been imagining?" Amanda asked. "Don't overthink it just tell me what you were thinking about?"

"You naked."

"Short and sweet. Well you've almost got that – so what next?"  
"What you'd look like?"

Amanda knelt on the bed and discarded her bra. Standing up she removed her panties. Fully naked she stood beside the bed. "Well?"  
"Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful."

"What next?"  
"What your breasts would feel like in my hands?"

Amanda climbed onto the bed again and reached for one of Olivia's hand placing it on her breast. A small groan escaped Amanda's lips as Olivia explored her breast, palming the full weight and eventually focusing on the nipple, running the tip of her index fingers in slow circles around the now erect pink pebble.

"What now?" the breathy voice asked.

"What you'd look like on top of me… feel like…" Olivia didn't manage to finish the thought as she felt the body beside her move. Knees came to rest firmly against her hips and nipples came into contact with her own, the weight pleasant as the other woman came to rest fully on top of her.

"And?" the voice asked close enough to her ear for her to feel the warm breath.

"What it would feel like to be inside you."

"Find out."

Amanda took Olivia's hand and rested it between her legs gasping as she felt an index finger swipe between her lips, dragging the wetness that was mounting up over her clit, putting pressure where she needed most only to remove it seconds later. The protest died on her lips as two fingers entered her swiftly, filling her completely.

"Fuck… Liv…"

Olivia waited for a sign to stop, none came. So, she continued feeling the amazing contractions of Amanda's walls as she moved against the fingers inside her. It was a sensation she never wanted to forget; wanted to feel over and over again with this woman. She caught Amanda's lips as she moved to catch her breath, kissing her deeply stroking her tongue with her own as she placed her thumb over the blonde's now straining clit.

"Harder…" Amanda panted against her lips.

Olivia pressed harder against the small bundle of nerves and felt Amanda's hips shift as she found the angle she needed to get everything she needed from the thumb playing with the most sensitive spot on her body. She felt Amanda's walls begin to grip her fingers tighter and seconds later a small cry escaped the lips against hers, Amanda's body going completely rigid for seconds before relaxing against her. Amanda was so quiet for minutes afterwards, had Olivia not been able to feel her breathing she would have been worried.

Finally, the silence broke with five simple words; "I love you Olivia Benson."

"I love you too", came the immediate reply.

Amanda lifted her head and the smile on her lips was reflected in the sparkle in her eyes. "Do you want to know what I was imagining?"

"God yes."

Amanda smiled as she kissed the woman beneath her, feeling her breathing speed up as she moved a hand between them and inside Olivia's now soaked underwear.

"That. What that would feel like… amazing…" Amanda stroked along the wet puckered lips, slowly, then a bit quicker, lower and lower until she felt Olivia's hips push off the bed against her.

"Tell me what you need?"

"You inside me." The almost growl at the end of the sentence turned into a long moan as Olivia felt two fingers slip inside her, exploring gently and moving slowly at first.

"More, please Mand… I… my clit…"

Amanda had gotten so lost in the sensations that came with being inside the woman she loved that she had forgotten her clit completely. She rectified it immediately and the sensation of her clit being pushed down was all Olivia needed, she was on the edge and that final move pushed her over. It surprised Amanda as much as it did Olivia when her orgasm took hold. It took Olivia a minute to come back to earth. When she did she tried to remember a time when she had last felt like this. She realised there wasn't one.

"That was incredible. If I'd known it would be that good I wouldn't have waited so long."

Amanda laughed and Olivia joined her. "We have all night to make up for lost time darlin'."

Their love-making went on long into the night and when they did finally fall asleep it was hard to tell where one body began and the other ended as their limbs entwined and their heads rested side by side to exchange small good night kisses and "I love you's"

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 **A/N I've got one more chapter planned to finish this up. It'll be written a lot quicker than this one because I'll finally have some time off! If you'd like to see anything included feel free to let me know**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Sorry this took so long – just recovering from surgery. This is the last chapter for this one. Hope you enjoy! I have a one-shot planned but it's going to be a few weeks in the making while I heal.**

The low moan followed by a string of profanities from the bedroom was an indication that the place was occupied solely by adults.

Amanda's toes were curled, her fingers buried in soft brunette waves, as she rode out her second orgasm of the morning. The insistent tongue was driving her demented and she scratched Olivia's scalp lightly to stop the torture.

"Ok, ok I'm done… I can't take anymore. Please Liv…" she panted, too out of breath to plead anymore. She felt the head between her legs move slightly to rest on her stomach, a hand stroking up her abs, coming to rest over her heart.

Lying still for a minute Amanda eventually gathered the energy to interlink her finger with the ones resting on her chest. The deep sigh of contentment made Olivia beam with pride.

"I love that feeling. Your heart is about to beat out of your chest."

"Yeah you kinda didn't give me a chance to recover from your fingers buried inside me as I came the first time before you launched that second wave with your tongue Lieutenant. I don't think I'm gona be able to move for a while."

"Good, we don't need to."

"You know you don't pay Gina enough, right?"

Olivia laughed against the pale white skin of Amanda's tummy, turning fully so she could kiss her way up along the toned body underneath her, eventually finding soft pink lips, kissing them lazily and settling into the arms that came around her. Those same arms tightened in panic a few moments later "Hats, did we get hats?"

"Yes, bright foil hats that everyone is going to wear for all of five minutes, or in Jessy's case, 5 seconds."

Amanda began to mentally tick off the list she had been through a hundred times as she panicked for the hundredth time that they'd forgotten something.

"We have everything." Olivia kissed her neck and stroked her arm reassuringly. Amanda marveled that Olivia could calm her so easily. It was something no one else in her life had ever been able to do, though many had tried. She kissed the top of the head resting on her chest.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being you."

"Not often I get thanks for that, in fact I usually get reprimanded for it, so I'll take it." Olivia rolled off her and on to her side of the bed. We should probably get up at some point though. Gina and Jen can only keep the two of them out for so long before someone is going to want to watch cartoons."

"Just two more minutes?" Amanda rolled onto her side and began to trace patterns on Olivia's bare stomach.

"This doesn't seem like it's going to be a two-minute thing."

Amanda grinned mischievously as she rose and straddled the brunette's waist. "It can be quick if you want it to be but where is the fun in that?"

It was another half hour before either of them could get out of bed and shower.

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Gina put Jessy in her high chair and deposited the shopping on the counter. She sensed Noah standing behind her but said nothing, waiting for him to start the conversation.

"Jessy's birthday Nenaw!" he stated confidently as he pointed to the helium balloons in the corner of the living room. He could say her name properly now but kept up with his Nenaw nickname, a kind of affectionate sign.

"Yeah Jessy's birthday, that's right. What age is she gona be Noah?"

He held up his index finger and squealed "One".

"That's right, she is one. Are you ready for the party?"

Noah shook his head.

"No? Why not?"

He pointed to the chocolate stain on his red hoodie.

"Fair point buddy. Let's go find you something else to wear." They bumped into Amanda her hair mussed, smelling faintly of sex as she tried to sneak to the kitchen to get coffee while Olivia showered.

She froze when she encountered Noah and Gina and looked like she was about to try and think up an excuse when Gina burst out laughing.

"Sorry we were planning on staying out longer but Jen needed to come back and charge her phone. She's expecting a work call and her phone died when we were out. Her charger was here and well…" both of them started to laugh and Noah joined in.

"It's ok, we were meant to be up an hour ago. We… Yeah ok."

"Yeah Noah and I are gona go find something else for him to wear. We had chocolate ice-cream after breakfast and as per usual he ended up wearing half of it."

Amanda tousled the little boy's hair as he ran into his room followed by a still chuckling Gina.

Amanda went into the kitchen and looked through to the living room to see Jen having an animated conversation with her now year old daughter.

"Hi you two."

"Hey Amanda. All set?"

"I don't think so but Liv assures me it's all going to be fine so I'm trusting her."

"Good idea. I let Gina think the same thing – you going to double check everything anyway?"

Amanda nodded and then rooted through the last bag of purchases she made as the kettle boiled.

"Of course."

"Noah has been telling everyone it's her birthday all morning. Anyone we met. He got free chocolate ice-cream when he told the waitress at the café we went to for breakfast."

"The stuff he's wearing now?"

"That'd be it. Jessy got some too but she wasn't interested, so it's actually that Noah is wearing."

"Are you sure you brought the right Jessy with you? She normally buries her head in a bowl of choclate ice-cream like a puppy."

"It was that kind with nuts on top that she doesn't like. She tasted a mouthful and made the funniest face I've ever seen and then slapped the spoon."

"Yup definitely the right kid so. You want some coffee?"

"No thanks, I'm good. I'm all coffee'd out after this morning. We had another cup while we waited for Noah to finish his ice-cream."

"Thanks for taking them out. We really appreciated it." Amanda felt a flush creeping up her chest so figured it was best to leave it there lest she end up embarrassed for a second time in as many minutes.

"No problem. By the way your shirt is buttoned up wrong." Jen winked and then laughed.

"So much for that" Amanda muttered as she tried to right the mess Olivia had made of hastily dressing her when they heard the door close.

"You need a hand with decorating or anything just let me know. She seems happy out here so we have at least 15 minutes before she decides she wants to go for a fall filled walk.

Jessy had indeed done as her mother predicted and tried to walk after about a week of crawling. As Olivia had noted she was like her mother, in a hurry everywhere, so crawling was far too slow progress wise.

Her first steps were in the precinct when Gina dropped them both off before heading to a late-night study session. She was sitting on the floor in Olivia's office and decided the desk was perfect for leverage. Standing up she made it two steps before falling squarely on her bum and crying. Seconds later Fin and Carisi were in the office beside Amanda, cooing and making funny faces as Olivia laughed at how something so small could reduce her team to idiots. She said nothing however, simply smiling as Jessy's tears abated thanked to a well-timed peek-a-boo from Carisi.

"Thanks Jen, I'm gona grab some coffee and a shower and I might just take you up on that offer then.

Amanda went back to looking through the bags looking for the marshmallows she knew Jessy loved. Locating them in the third bag she went through she sighed. She wanted this day to be perfect for her little girl. Almost every memory of birthday's she has as a child was a depressing and dour one so Amanda was going to make this a great day. She had memories of one birthday when she was ill, the day she turned nine, that made her smile. Chicken pox meant she couldn't go to school and her parents didn't care what happened to her. So, Amanda made her way to the neighbor's house, a place she spent a lot of time. Mrs. Byrd opened the door and smiled at the small underweight child carrying her comforter and a comic book. She opened the door wide and told Amanda to settle on the sofa. A few minutes later she arrived with a mug of hot chocolate and tucked the little girl in making sure she was warm. Amanda spent the day there and in the afternoon Pete, the eldest of the Byrd boys bought her some red lemonade and cola bottles as a treat. For tea, they had stew but unknown to Amanda Mrs. Byrd had been baking a cake while she was lazing on her sofa all day. They had it for dessert and Amanda went home full and content. It only lasted until the door opened and she heard a vase smash in the dining room but it was still a good day. She was so lost in thought she missed Olivia walk up behind her, only realising she was there when she wrapped her arms around her from behind and kissed her neck. The warmth of the shower radiated from Olivia's body and made Amanda shiver almost as much as memories of the morning they'd just spent together.

"Go have a shower before I turn into a horny teenager again. You cannot parade around in a shirt and expect me not to want to push you up…"  
Olivia's dirty talk was interrupted by a throat being cleared behind them and they both froze.

A voice finally followed a few beats later, hesitant but definitely there; "Olivia, do you have a preference for what Noah wears for the party? He got ice-cream on his red hoodie this morning and… you know what come meet us in the bedroom when you're less… engaged."

Both women heard Gina chuckling as she walked down the corridor to Noah's room.

"That is the second time this morning she's caught us out you know?"  
"How's that?"  
"She met me coming out of our room earlier, wearing a ridiculously large smile, not something usually gracing my face first thing in the morning."  
"Yeah you're right she needs a pay rise." Olivia nipped Amanda's neck slightly and laughed as she went to find her son a new outfit.

Amanda made her way into the living room to give her daughter a kiss good morning and then decided that shower she'd been thinking about for the last twenty minutes might be a good idea, otherwise it wouldn't happen before the guests arrived once the decorating started.

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Jessy was the at the centre of a very large circle of adoring adults and Noah, who was proudly sitting beside her repeating her name to anyone who asked. They were of course asking Jessy but Noah thought he was being helpful so they left him to it. There were a few people still coming through the door, including a couple of Mom's and kids from baby yoga and last but not least was Munch, who arrived with a large stuffed elephant with a pink bow on its head that played La Cucaracha when you pressed a button on its trunk. Amanda made a note to find the batteries and remove them later.

"You sure know how to go all out Seargent."

He bowed his head, "Only the best for the little lady." Kissing Amanda's cheek, he hugged Olivia and enquired after a few of their mutual acquaintances in the department. "So the place is still standing without me then?"  
"Only just." Olivia's tone was sincere. She missed her former Seargent more than she could express but she'd made a conscious effort to stay in contact with him since he had retired and a bond had formed, like the one she had with Don Cragen, that she cherished.

She watched as her Cragen lifted Jessy in the air and swung her round much to her amusement. Noah was already on his feet insisting on the same treatment as "his sister".

Amanda and Olivia exchanged looks at the same moment and both broke into smiles.

"Sister eh?" Fin asked Noah.

"Yup" Noah nodded affirmatively and with a certainty only children possess. Noah had already decided that Amanda and Jessy were now family and Olivia couldn't have been happier that her son could put into words something she had been trying to say from the first time she told Amanda she loved her. Kissing the blonde's cheek, she went in search of a drink for Munch. She ran, literally, into Gina, who was setting up the seats for the kids.

"Sh… sorry."

"Nice catch on the swearing and not spilling that juice on me too." Olivia smiled.

"Well it's half empty because I just spilled half of it on Jen so you were safe."  
"Oops."

"Indeed. I'm not sure I have anything in my overnight bag that's going to fit her, could she borrow a shirt of yours?"  
"Of course. Just tell her to look in the second drawer, left hand side."

"Thanks Liv."

Olivia finished setting up the space for the kids, a smaller table beside the adults one with paper plates and new sippy cups, each with a name on them, all the same colour, so there was no fighting about who owned what. She wanted this day to go off without a hitch as much as Amanda did so she figured she'd be as proactive as possible in her planning, ensuring that at least the basics were covered.

She grabbed Amanda's phone as a message tone sounded and tossed it to her as she passed by with a now grumbling Jessy, needing to be changed for the second time that day, after falling into a potted plant attempting to show everyone how skilled she was at walking.

"Message." Amanda caught the phone in one hand while shushing Jessy.

"Nice catch."

"What can I say, I can multi-task with the best of them."

Amanda emerged from the bedroom minutes later with her daughter in a pair of leggings and a flowery top Carisi had bought her a few months ago. She had started the day in a frilly lilac dress and they got precisely two pictures before Noah got paint on it from the kit Fin had brought him so he wouldn't feel left out with Jessy getting all the presents.

Fin shrugged as Amanda glared at him.

She held the phone out to Olivia who smiled at the picture on the screen. "He looks… is happy the right word?"

"Yeah, I mean in that moment he does. I think it's maybe the third time I've seen him smile. Kelly said they went to the zoo and he was fascinated by the elephants. Wants to write his next report on them for school."

Olivia kissed the side of Amanda's head and took Jessy from her arms cuddling her close.

"She'll get what's coming to her Mand, we'll make sure of it."

Amanda nodded and kissed Jessy's head before making her way back into the living room, distributing some popsicles, for the adults and the kids. She hoped wherever Max was today he was having a good day.

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As the day drew to a close wine flowed for the adults after the guests had left and the four remaining women chatted like old friends.

"Who would have thought Sippy cups could cause all-out war?" Olivia pondered.

"In fairness Liv, you did forget most of them can't read so they were going to go based on colour"

"But they were all the same colour."

"No they weren't. The little piece at the top had pink tabs, purple tabs and yellow tabs when you pulled it up to drink." Gina laughed at the incredulous look Olivia gave her.

"Next time just let them drink from cups. They'll wreck the place but they won't fight as much." Olivia conceded defeat and decided she'd have to plan Noah's next party with all out military precision. Fin's military background might just have more uses than she first thought.

"Oh by the way." Jen piped up after taking a handful of peanuts from a bowl, thanks for the lend of the shirt. Sorry I think that little Redmond kid may have gotten some cake on it. I'll throw it in the wash basket when we get home and make sure Gina gets it back to you."  
"I haven't seen that shirt in a long time, where did you find it?"  
"In your bottom drawer."  
Olivia looked at Amanda who was staring straight ahead trying not to laugh.  
"Don't worry Liv, I know better than to look in any box I see in a woman's room. Although if I was you I'd hide it up higher cause if it is what I think it is; you do not that to be the first thing Jessy finds when she starts toddling around ripping into stuff like all curious little ones."

"I'm going to heed that advice tonight."

Amanda burst out laughing and the other three women joined in.

Gina's laugh ended in a yawn that made her realise it was past eleven and she only had two more nights to spend with Jen before she had to leave for two months on a research trip.

"Liv I'm gona steal my woman away from you if you don't mind? We've only got a couple of days."

"Of course. Go" Olivia made a shooshing motion to both women. Hugs were exchanged as Jen located their coats and they said goodnight.

Closing the door Olivia turned to see an absolutely worn out Amanda stretching to try and work out the aches of small toddlers pulling her every way all day. She sat on the sofa beside her and the blonde curled herself into her arms, resting her head on her shoulder placing a gentle kiss on her neck.  
"Thank you for everything."  
"There's no need, I'm just glad it all went off without any major disasters."

"From now on you know you're planning all the birthday parties, right?" Amanda yawned and curled herself tighter into the soft body beside her, feeling Olivia's arms come around her. Moments later she was asleep. Olivia watched her sleep for a while, thinking about the day, about her life, about how she couldn't have imagined in a million years that this was where her life would end up and how she wouldn't have it any other way. A few minutes later a small whimper from the baby monitor indicated all hell was set to break loose if someone didn't step in immediately. Olivia stood, extricating herself from the slumbering woman wrapped around her.

Making it to the kid's room in under thirty seconds, she threw a quick glance at Noah to make sure he was still asleep, then scooped Jessy into her arms shushing her as she walked back to the living, swaying her the way she knew she liked to be swayed to comfort her.

Amanda was curled into the corner of the sofa, watching Olivia, smiling at how at ease she was with her daughter in her arms.

"You were born to do that you know?"  
Olivia turned and met her blue eyes. "I think that might be the greatest compliment anyone has ever paid me." She sat on the sofa and Jessy rested her head on Olivia's shoulder slowly falling back to sleep."

"She loves you almost as much as I do." Amanda whispered as she stroked her daughters head and leaned up to kiss Olivia. She was met half way in a slow, tender kiss that made her heart melt.

"I love her too and I love her Mom."  
"We're really doing this huh?"  
"I think we are."  
Amanda rested her head against Olivia's arm and felt love and comfort envelope her. Life was cruel, things wouldn't always be safe and kind. But moments like this would more than make up for that. Having Olivia and Noah and Jessy in her life, making her life complete, would make all of the hardship worth it.

"Love you. She murmured quietly as she joined her daughter in slumber.

"Love you too Mand."

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 **A/N So sorry again that took so long. Next few I write are going to be one-shots so there won't be any waiting for chapters. But I do have another one planned for these two – it's just going to be a while in the making! Hope you enjoyed this**


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